Delirium: Crash & Burn

Part XIV

Harrison 

Everyone had left, I was alone again. My mind was still going at a hundred miles an hour but I was so tired and I was grinding to a halt. I began to walk up the stairs I stopped by Jade's picture, her hair was so blonde the sun reflected from it, in every picture she appeared as though she had a halo. Her skin was fair and was lightly dusted in freckles. The pictured smiled at me offering me a moment of unexplainable joy, I began to laugh. My laughing slowly turned into a soft cry, as the false feeling of euphoria wore off leaving the horrible truth.

Jade was dead and it was my fault.

I reached upstairs, my eyes strained and were swollen from my tears it was 4 am. I crashed down, returning my gaze on the ceiling fan. I drifted into a light-headed slumber. Thoughts of my baby sister invaded my peace of mind. I felt my body convulsing, I was trapped in a nightmare, I began turning but I could not wake up from the painful rest.

It was only a few hours ago. I sat, my confidence had reduced to almost nothing. I was merely a shell of who I was at the start of the night. I was a frightened 15-year-old boy who sat quaking, I was embarrassed because I had peed myself, repeatedly. I hunched over myself, I lacked the ability to erect my back, I was somewhat pleasantly surprised that I was able to walk back to the car park, although my knees had given way multiple times as I walked dumbly down the road.

The force of the falls caused me to cascade down on my face, knocking my jaw, grazing my elbows and smacking my teeth against the concrete paths. But I kept getting up. I had to get home, to tell mom and dad what had happened. Why Jade wasn't coming home with me.

I sat inside the car park entrance, unable to move, my feet were bruised so were my hands.

I could still hear the static pops, like the sound fireworks make on New Year's Eve and all the different smells, one of burning metal, as the guns were fired the other smell was animalistic, it was raw. The primal smell which arose as all of the people at the party became the prey and their instincts chose flight over fight. Wrestling and pushing for the doors in a hurricane panic.

Most people had given up hope; they lay like babies in the womb on the floor, swaddled in their dresses and designer clothes comforting themselves. This wasn't the usual college party.

Jade had already died, she was either trampled on by the masses or shot by the gunman, I don't remember which came first. In Jade's rush to freedom, I saw her squirmed over the cocooned people who were blocking her way out. Lizard in her form, she remained low and crawled over people towards the door. I yelled after her, to hurry.

I flinched, hearing the popping sounds of the bullets again. It seems so real like somehow I had recoiled back to the crowded room and it was happening all over again.

"Jade! Go run don't stop running, run don't stop."

A gurgled sound escapes the back of my throat as I began to rock myself on the floor.

"Jade where are you? I'm losing you."

I flinched again.

"Go! Run Jade don't stop running, run, don't, stop!"

I had brought her to this party. It was my fault. 

My eyes peeled open. My body was stiff and sore. Another awful dream. It was an annual occurrence, the same dream, each year. I suddenly sat up as I heard knocking at the front door, I looked outside my window. It was Cole.

We sat downstairs I nursed an intense headache and a bowl of cereal. Cole paced. It made me nervous. What made me more nervous was the fact that I knew Evie's secrets. I was desperate to tell Cole. But I held my tongue. I had a better idea.

"What's with you man. Lately, you've been- and last night you and Evie, I-"

He paused looking down at his hands contemplating his next words. Cole walked up closer to me hovering over me, placing his hand on my shoulder.

"You barely speak to me anymore. What's going on with you?"

I didn't respond. I couldn't. I didn't know what to say. Everything was falling apart and I didn't know how to hold it all together.

"Is it because of Evie?"

I didn't speak I was unable to. 

"Bro, you can have her! I can't believe all of this is for one girl."

I couldn't hold my tongue at this point. He should have known that yesterday was the anniversary of Jade's death. It was his clever idea to leave Jade on her own at the party, I remembered his exact words 'She'll be fine, she's a big girl Harrison.' I stood up suddenly.

"I can't believe you right now. You know what yesterday was ." I barked at him tears brimming in my eyes. I pointed to the tattoo on my arm, tapping on the italic writing.  Cole's face dropped. he had forgotten. This didn't matter to him, he had his sister and the girl of his dreams. I had neither.

"Do you remember why we got these tattoos, Cole? When Jade died. How Jade died?" I spat at him unable to contain my anger. My face felt hot, my head hazy from the hangover, my skin itched in anger. 

"Shit. Harrison, I-"

I rolled my eyes, feeling the darkness of my skull. I made a huffing sound and interrupted him, I didn't have time for him today. My body was drained of energy so much so that I couldn't erect my back any longer and I hunched over. 

"Just get out Cole."

My voice was cold and dead. I stood up not bothering to finish my cereal and headed for the stairs, I didn't bother to check if he had left. I laid on my bed my feet slightly off the edge. I didn't go back to school that day, there was no point. I couldn't think what I would say to Evie after yesterday.

That night at the hospital her sister Kat had told me who Evie really was. It wasn't done out of malice but rather she was proud of her foster sister, of who she was. Kat did not know a thing about who Evie was pretending to be. It annoyed me so much, my skin crawled. How Evie could have a loving little sister who adores her so much but not want to be associated with her. If only I had my little sister, but I didn't.

It turns out that Evie lied about everything that she was not the popular rich girl from California, she was just as fake as I was, as we all are.

Yesterday I hadn't been sleeping well, I was on edge and it was Jade's anniversary. I had walked into the class zombified and ghoulish, high on something. As soon as I saw Evie my stomach turned. She looked amazing, her body toned and tall and her hair straight and long. She swanned in swaying her hips as she waved goodbye to Cole, who had dropped her off at class. I was angry, beyond angry.

I remember my exact words. "I know everything Williams." Her face was transfixed as I held her head in my palms. I wonder if she knew how high I was, how out of my mind, how delusional I was. I couldn't face her, not for a while. I still had to plan what I would say when I saw her. I wondered if she had told Cole. I wondered if Cole had told Evie, about Jade, about that tattoo on his arm.

Just as my mind raced with a million thoughts there was another knock at the door. My back straightened, alarmed. Who could that be? I thought to myself. I didn't think Cole would come back. I didn't move, I thought it was the hallucinatory effect of all the drugs I had been taking. I waited to see if I could hear another knock. A few seconds passed and the knocking started again.

I stalked downstairs, paranoid.

I opened the door, allowing light into the darkened corridor. Evie stood in front of me; her eyes locked on me. I thought she wasn't real, her body was silhouetted by the sun and she was in a flowery summer dress. She looked angelic, honestly and truly.  She did not flinch or move when she spoke. My heart thundered under my white t-shirt.

"We need to talk, Harrison."