Letters For You

Guilty

Guilt Wednesday, October 18th,2017

By Emily Davis

I feel guilty about many things. The list will be too long. I regret eating the entire jar of cookie dough ice cream. I didn't start working out as I said I would. I snapped at my roommate because she made me repeat what I asked her four times. I didn't do laundry for two weeks so all my clothes are dirty. I have been wearing the same bra for five days straight. I didn't start my poetry analysis that is due next week. I haven't been home since coming home from Europe. I haven't called your mother in weeks. I haven't visited you since your funeral. I haven't bought you flowers. I haven't said your name out loud in so long, I don't even remember how it sounds.

We should always get rid of our guilt. Live without regrets. Do you remember who said that? Tiffany Trouton Junior year. She had just been caught smoking weed in the girl's bathroom with David Samuels. When the headmaster asked her to leave school after he suspended her, she yelled that in the hallway. So that's what I am trying to do. I am trying to get rid of my guilt. The ice cream thing was easy. I just went to the store and bought a new jar, that I gave to my roommate as an apology for the snapping thing. I just admitted to myself that I hate working out. I'll never start period. Why feel guilty if you know you'll never start? I am writing this as I am waiting for my laundry to finish so I can put it in the drier. Imagine me, I am wearing my pajama at the school's laundromat at eleven o'clock at night on a Wednesday. Yes, you are allowed to laugh. I am still waiting for the inspiration to strike me for my analysis but at least I'm thinking about it.

Now the harder stuff. Tomorrow morning, I'll call your mother and ask if I can come by next weekend. Maybe I'll sleep in your bed. Just the thought of sleeping in your bed with my head on your pillow calms me. Your mother still washes your sheets every once in a while. Maybe I'll steal a couple of your books. I'll go see you, that's for sure. I'll even sleep there if your mom doesn't want me to sleep in your bed. I'll sleep with you, beside you, like before. I'll scream your name in the graveyard over and over again. Until my throat hurts more than my heart.

I am trying to not feel guilty about being here. Being here without you. It's a work in progress. I try not to feel guilty about you being alone that night. I have stopped imagining me holding your hand as you die so I think that's a step forward. I don't plan on not feeling guilty anytime soon but my guilt is slowly transforming into a desire to live more. To live and experience things for the both of us. I live for you and for me now. And that helps. With the guilt, I mean. It's slowly going away. You should be proud. I know I am.