Letters For You

Feeling lost

Describe how you are feeling Saturday, September 23rd.2017

By Emily Davis

You were there and now you're not. You said I'll see you later but I never saw you again. I was sleeping, waiting for you to come and join me but you never did. Instead, I got a call from your mother. She was crying so I started crying. You were driving down the highway when someone crashed your car. You were gone instantly. The other guy was drunk. It wasn't your fault. I couldn't even be mad at you. I think it would have helped if I could have been mad at you for a while. I couldn't even be mad at the other guy, you ruined his life. He will never recover. That makes two of us.

You said you would never leave and now I am alone. I am alone in this big world and I don't know how to live if you are not with me. We were supposed to leave together. After high school, we were supposed to spend the summer in Europe. It was our dream. We lived for this. So, how was I supposed to keep going? How was I supposed to come to college without you? Move to the place we visited together? Without you. I couldn't so I didn't.

We were supposed to spend our life together. Get married, have children, way too many children. We would have bought a house and a dog. A Labrador, your favorite. Now every time I see one, I think of you. I imagine us in our house, cooking pancakes for our kids with our Labrador and I cry because it will never happen. Because you are dead. I never actually said those words aloud, you know? I fear that if I admit it, it'll be real, and I'll forget you. And that's the last thing I want. Your face is printed in my mind and it'll never leave. You will never leave me and I'll never leave you.

I was supposed to be with you that day. We were supposed to go to a party after dinner but I bailed on you because I was tired. You went, you had fun, you got in your car, you were driving towards my parent's place and you died. You died and I should have been with you. I should have been in that car with you. I should have died with you. At least you wouldn't have been alone. I should have been with you but I wasn't. And I'm not sure if I am okay with this or not. I am not sure if I want to be here without you. I'm lost without you. I'm lost.