Letters For You

Girls Vs. Boys

Tuesday October 8, 2034

Another hospital letter. This is the third letter I write while sitting in a hospital bed. The first one was a mix of sadness and complete joy while the second one was filled with anger and disappointment. This one is pure happiness, I promise you. This morning, at 2:34 am to be more precise, Josh and I welcomed our second child, miss Lillian Marie Conrad. Marie is the name of Josh's mother. We both thought it was his family's turn to be honored. Her first name was picked by Olivia. We gave her a list filled with names we both liked, and she chose Lillian. Well, she pointed at it, saying the many "l" sounds made the name funny, and for a three-year-old funny is a very important criterion. Josh is picking Via from daycare as I am writing this. She'll meet her sister very soon.

I was glad, relieved even, when we found out we were having another girl. I know Josh wanted to have a boy. It's every men's dream, right? To have a mini-him running around. I would have been happy if it would have been a boy, but I preferred a girl. Why? I hear you asking. Because of you. Don't look at me that way, Oli. If Lilli would have been a boy, I would have counted the days until he would be the same age you were when you died. I would have been afraid every time he would take the car. I would have cried when he would have told his father and I that he was seeing someone. I would have looked at that boy or girl as if they were about to experience the worst kind of suffering. I would have lived your life through him, and that the worst thing you can do to a child. I can't say I won't be afraid for my two girls. Of course, I'll be. What kind of mother would I be if I was never scared of what might happen to them? I just think it would have been worse if we had a boy.

I thought about you once more while I was giving birth, but for a completely different reason than the first time. With Via, I was submerged with thoughts of you. You were everywhere. It was on your birthday, I had to let go of our dream to have kids together, I spoke to your mother a few hours before she was born, etc. I was angry with you that day for making me go through this awful pain. She was a gift from you after all, so it was all your fault. This time, I asked you to give me strength. I asked you to give me enough strength to enjoy this moment since it will probably be the last. Another clash between you and Josh? Josh doesn't want a big family. Two kids are plenty for Josh, and I agree. We had trouble getting pregnant for a second time, so I don't think I want to start the process of disappointments after disappointments again. Thank you by the way. I prayed to you, Oli, thousands of times when we were trying to get pregnant, so thank you for giving us our second miracle. I thanked you when we saw the positive on the pregnancy test and when we found out it was a girl. A few hours ago, I prayed to you for a good and healthy baby girl and that's exactly what you gave us, so thank you.

Looking at the small bundle of blankets in the crib next to me, I can't help but imagine what kind of father you would have been. I think you would have been amazing. Scratch that. I don't think so, I know so. You would have been the best father possible. I think about you every time I look at Olivia. For a while, just after you died, I forced myself to think about you every day in fear of one day forgetting you. Now, I know I'll never forget you. She reminds me of you in so many ways, and not only by her birthday and name. She is as impulsive and nice as you, as smart and funny as you. She even asked to play soccer next summer. It was totally her idea. One of her friends from daycare has been playing for one or two summers, so she wants to do the same. Weird, right? It's like your brains are connected somehow. Thanks to her, I'll never forget you. This is why, and I know I've said this before, she is the best gift you ever gave me. Thank you, Oli.

I have to go now. Josh just texted that they just parked the car in the hospital lot. I'll talk to you soon, baby. Love you xx