Letters For You

Friendship and what it means to me. Then versus now

Talk about your view of friendship Thursday, November 9th,2017

By Emily Davis

I never had many friends. You of all people know this. I had this girl in elementary school who ended up moving away the summer before middle school. I met Ben in music class in fourth grade. We were the only ones who played an instrument so the teacher loved us. And she made us become best friends. You met Ben in freshman year. You were both on the soccer team. I met you freshman year because Ben became your best friend very quickly. We were some sort of a trio. We were all friends. Until sophomore year, when you kissed me under that tree I always went to when you two were playing soccer. You kissed me but it didn't change anything between the three of us. We remained friends. Nothing changed and I loved that.

There were a few girls I became friends with after that. Because, you know, when a girl gets a boyfriend in high school, she immediately becomes a lot cooler. I have to admit that dating the soccer's team captain and star player must have helped with that. I never felt close to those girls though, as you know. You sometimes had to drag me to the parties they organized. Until she showed up. I know you know who I am talking about. She was new to our school. I had been asked to show her around and we started hanging out after that. She wasn't part of any gang or group. She was my friend, the only one who wasn't jealous that I was dating the most popular boy at school. I loved her, I still do even if we don't go to school together anymore or talk as often I we should.

Back then, friends were everything. If you didn't have any, you were a loser. If you had a ton, you were cool and respected. It was a time in our lives when we didn't confess in our families anymore. Our friends were our family. You were my family. I told you everything. You were my boyfriend, my best guy friend and my best girl friend all in one. We could go from making out on the couch to playing video games to me taking you shopping for dresses and make-up in the same day. I thought I didn't need anyone else. I had you, Ben and her. You kept telling me to make more friends, but I didn't see why I would do such a thing.

Now, I see the real importance of friends. I should have listened to you. When I lost you, I lost everything. My boyfriend. My best guy friend. My best girl friend. Everyone was gone. Only Ben was still there. She went off to college as she should have. I had Ben. I could only talk to Ben if I didn't want to talk to my family. I whished I could talk about you with someone who didn't know you so badly. That way, I could've talked and talked about you to someone who wouldn't start crying at the mention of your name. I needed someone. I needed you but I didn't have you anymore. I was lost. I still am sometimes. "Go to a grief group," my mother kept telling me. She didn't get it. I didn't want to talk to a group of strangers about you. I wanted to talk to someone who knew me but didn't know you. So, I could start again in some way. I wouldn't be the girl who lost her boyfriend in high school. That's why I went to Europe by myself. To meet people who didn't know me. Who didn't and would never know you. I couldn't have done that in Seattle.

You would have been proud of me. My first night in France, I met this girl who was also by herself. She was twenty and was taking a break from college. She was from Vancouver in Canada. She didn't know and it felt so good. She didn't pity me. We spent a couple of months travelling together until she had to go back home. I met a lot pf people like that. I felt like it was something you would have done. You were always talking to everyone all the time. Remember the time that woman came to us and asked where she could find the best drug store? Her accent was so thick, we could barely understand her but you talked to her for over twenty minutes. We ended up walking with her to the store. She was so thankful that a beautiful young boy like you (her words not mine) helped her that she gave you twenty dollars. "Take that girl of yours out," she said. Every time I met someone new in Europe, I thought about what you would say. And it worked, I always had someone with me. I was alone but not really. I met people I could talk about you with. People who didn't judge me. People who didn't cry when they learned about your accident. It felt good. Really good.

Friendship, then, was the search for this deep connection with people.

Friendship, now, is the search for people I can be myself with.

I'll never turn my back on Ben. He's the one I go to when I want that deep connection. The one I go to because he has lived through the same pain as me when we lost you. We are forever connected because of that. I love Ben because he loved you. I love Ben because we can share stories about you. I love Ben because he reminds me of you. After four years of friendship, you take some parts of the other with you. Ben still has those parts of you and it's nice to see them shine sometimes. But it's also nice to be friends with someone who can give me something knew.