Letters For You

This Is The End, Hold Your Breath And Count to Ten.

How do you feel about the journal ending?

Monday, February 12th, 2018

By Emily Davis

After this letter, there will only be one left. I am kind of sad. I had gotten used to our little rendezvous every week. I'll miss them. They made me feel closer to you than I had been since you died. I imagined your reactions and pictured your face while I was writing. I am handing this journal to my teacher in two weeks. In two weeks, he will know more about me than most people. He will read my deepest thoughts. Thoughts I reserved to you. Why did you write about me every week then, Em? I can hear you from here. It came naturally to me. When we got the assignment the first week, I thought about how I would describe college to you and it kind of stuck. I think that, in a way, I needed this to say goodbye to you. I thought I would be nervous to hand my journal to Mr. Lewis, but I'm not. I feel liberated. Liberated from a weight that has been on my shoulders since your accident. The weight of grief that wouldn't come off. With every letter, a part of this weight left. You are not a weight that I have to carry around anymore. You are a blessing. A little angel in my heart keeping me safe. Keeping me safe but not keeping me down. A little angel pushing me to be the best version of myself. Allowing me to fly as high as I can. You are where you should be. In me. You remember how we used to laugh at people in movies who told their kids that their deceased loved one still lived in their heart? We used to find it so cheesy and here I am writing the exact same thing. But it's true. You still exist in my heart and it brings me peace. I can still hear your voice telling me to try new things or to go out more. I can still hear you saying I love you. "Be happy, Em." I am now.

I can't say that I am not sad that the assignment is ending. It feels like I have to say goodbye to you for the second time. But, this time, I get to choose how. I get to choose what I'll say and when I'll say it. No one is forcing me. I get to have a choice. A choice I didn't have the first time. The first time was rushed and public. This will be private. It's going to be between me and you. And Mr. Lewis. It's going to be me, telling you goodbye. It's going to be us, for one last time, in all our glory. You and me baby.

The end of those letters is the start of the new chapter in my life. The chapter where I see what comes next in my life. Where I'll figure out the rest of my life. A life in which you will be present, but not as much. I won't throw out your pictures or your old clothes. I won't stop thinking about you. And I won't stop visiting you or your family. You just won't be the center of my life anymore. And I think you'd be okay with that. Anyway, you don't have much of a choice. "A happy Emily means a happy life." I'll have a happy life because I'm happy now. Happy with my past and happy to see what my future will be.

It doesn't mean that I'll never write to you anymore. I think that I'll want to tell you about the important moments of my life, like my wedding or when I have kids. Or when I'll be close to dying. When I'll be close to seeing you again. I'll probably ask you to reassure me, to tell me there's nothing to worry about. Will you? I'll probably have lost many people by then, but you'll always be my first. My first kiss, my first love, my first time, my first lost. You never forget your first. You'll be the first person I'll want to see, wherever we go when we die, because you'll be the one I haven't seen in the longest. You'll be the one I missed the most.

For the longest time, I didn't want to say goodbye, but, now, it's time.

Next week, I'm saying goodbye.

The next one is the last one guys!! I can't wait for you to read Emily's "final" goodbye!

Thank you so much once again for reading 💕