Letters For You

College

Your college experience as of now Thursday, September 14th.2017

By Emily Davis

How is college? College is weird. Maybe because I had the image of what it would be like for so long and it turned out so differently. My dorm is small. I only have a single bed. I was so used to your queen-sized bed that this one feels extremely small. The girl I share it with is Korean. At least she doesn't ask questions about me but even if she wanted to, I don't think she could. Her English is pretty basic.

Why am I not in the apartment we found? Because I am not at Stanford. I am at Washington State. Stanford didn't want me anymore. Taking a year off to visit Europe is not a good enough reason to postpone your freshmen year apparently. Funny, right? Anyway, even if Stanford had wanted me, I don't think I would have gone. Stanford was your thing. It was your dream and, even if it became mine, I couldn't imagine walking on the sidewalks we walked on together by myself. Believe me, I think about you all the time, but I think it would have been worse in California. At least, here, we have no memories together.

I am a new me. I can be whoever I want to be in college. I could dye my hair pink and pierce my nose or dress in nothing but black. I could become one of those activists who manifest their disgust for everything society offers them. Don't worry. You know I am way too scared to get arrested or of your mother to do any of those things. I am still me. I am still the girl you fell in love with in tenth grade.

College didn't change me. You did. Remember how we used to say that college would be the start of our life? Ironic, right? Anyway, I don't feel that way anymore. In fact, I kind of miss high school. I miss the scheduled classes from 9 am to 4 pm everyday. I miss the cafeteria and the table we used to sit at every day. I even miss taking the bus. And we hated taking the bus. We were so excited to get our licence. I have it now and I don't have a car. I don't know when I'll be able to drive a car again. I haven't since you.

Remember how we used to hate the fact that our teachers knew us by our name and how they would call us out in the hallway because you were giving me a kiss before math class? Well, in college, teachers have so many students that they can't afford to learn our names. It feels impersonal in a way. It feels like we are just a bunch of kids they don't care about. There were some before us and there will be more after us. It has some advantages, like Mrs. Johnson won't call your mother because you didn't show up to fourth period. You don't have to ask permission to use the bathroom in college either. You just get up and go. It's even your choice if you decide to come back or not. Most people don't. In my American literature class last week, fifteen people left before the class ended. Imagine if we would have done that in high school!

You were right about one thing though. In college, you are free. No more parents, no more curfews. You are the master of your life. Some people deal with it better than others.

You would have loved it. I am trying to enjoy it for the both of us. You will never experience college with all its flaws and qualities. You will never go to Tijuana for spring break and maybe that's a good thing. Tijuana is awful. People die there. Sorry, that was rude. People die in Washington also. So, maybe, I'll go to Tijuana this year. For you. You would have been the type of guy who went to Tijuana. I'll take pictures. I'll buy a mug and a stupid t-shirt. I'll have fun, but not too much. For you. Because you will never have the opportunity to go to Tijuana. Or Europe. Or California. Or college.

College is great. Don't you worry about me. I am still the nerd and the bookworm you fell in love with. I can deal with college or, at least, I'll try because that's what you would tell me to do. Give it a go, Em, you'll be surprised. I am still waiting for the surprise part, but it'll come. It always does. 

College will be a breeze. I had to deal with much worse than four years listening to old men trying to drill information into my brain. I am good at school, I always have been. I will love college. Just not now. I am not ready to love college just yet. High school is still too fresh in my mind.

I'm sorry if that's not the description you wanted. Ask me again in two years. My feedback will be better. My judgment will be clearer. My head will be here. It won't be in high school anymore. It'll be in these hallways. The ones you never walked on.