Letters For You

Merry Christmas Dear

Your Holidays, your traditions, etc. Monday, December 25th, 2017

By Emily Davis

Merry Christmas baby! Christmas was always your favorite holiday. You acted like a four-year-old from mid December to mid January every damn year. Your mother was so done with you by the new year that she sent you off to a cabin with your friends to celebrate. It gave everyone a break.

The first year I went with you was the first time I ever got wasted. It became a tradition after that. Every year, you and Ben would get me wasted on New Year's Eve. We had so much fun in that cabin. Your sister now has it. I hear her parties are a lot softer than yours were. That was our tradition to welcome the new year. We drove up there a couple of days in advance, skied, sang in front of a fire and threw the greatest party of the year. You were renowned for those parties. Everyone had fun but most people didn't remember it.

I need new traditions now. I went directly from family celebrations to your parties and now that they don't happen anymore, I need to do something else. Last year, I was in Greece so I didn't really do much. I want to do something special this year. I don't want to stay inside and watch TV shows that recap the year we leave behind. I want to smash the new year like we used to do. Ben and I are driving to Seattle later this week. His cousin now owns a bar so we will be able to enter easily. We will get wasted and probably embarrass ourselves. The only difference is that I won't go home with the most beautiful man at the party. I'll go home by myself while Ben will probably find some girl to spend the night with. It's his tradition. New year, new girl.

I went shopping last week for Christmas gifts like we used to do. You loved Christmas but you were awful when it came to gifts. Especially for your family, you never knew what to buy. I bought gifts for everyone. Tickets for a humor show for my parents, a popular video game for my brother, some new soccer shoes for Ben, a book for your sister, and I booked a weekend away for your parents. They haven't done anything just the two of them since your accident. I'll tell them that your sister can come over or that I can go over there if they don't want to leave her alone. I even bought you something. I keep buying you stuff all the time. I bought you things from almost every country I visited in Europe last year and now I bought you a Christmas gift. I put it in a box and wrapped it with green paper, your favorite. It sits on my desk and I keep looking at it, wondering what I'll do with it. Torture me all you want, I won't tell you what it is. Maybe I'll put it on your grave, so the next person that comes to visit you gets a gift.

I don't want to buy you presents anymore. I hate that I'll never see your face when you open them. It just makes me sad and I don't want to be sad all the time anymore. This was my second to last gift to you. The last one being those letters. I'll bury those by your grave and plant a rosebush. The paper will act as a fertiliser. Your roses will grow from my love. How romantic is that? It will be my final goodbye. It doesn't mean that I'll never think about you or that I'll never be sad anymore, but I want to move on. Live my life. Because that's what you would have wanted. You would have wanted me to be happy. Rectify what I said earlier, my last gift to you is this, my happiness. By freeing me from the ghost of you, I'll be happy. And a happy Emily means a happy life, right?

So, baby, for Christmas this year, I am giving you the assurance of my future happiness. I promise that, next year, I will do my best to move on with my life. I'll use the Hobbit mug I bought you in Ireland to drink coffee in the morning and I'll wear the Manchester United shirt I got in England to sleep. I'll keep you in my heart but you won't haunt every single one of my thoughts anymore. I have no idea how I'll do that but I will. I promise. I owe you that much.

Ben's motto is: new year, new girl and I think I'll give it a try. New year, new Emily. Watch me babes.