"Hey baby, I'm sorry I'm late." I tried to kiss her as I walked into her house, but she turned her face away from me.
"I'm only 30 minutes late. I didn't even take a shower trying to cut down on time."
"Is that what I smell?" She laughed, making me feel better about my tardiness.
"Girl please, this brotha always smells good." I grabbed her and held her to my arm pit playfully.
"Eww Mike, no!" She broke free. "You smell aight I guess."
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
"I know. You ready to go?"
"Yea, but let's talk first." She sat down on the sofa and patted the seat next to her gently. I knew things seemed to be OK with her too quickly.
"So you were with Janeé, huh?" I nodded. "How was it?" She looked genuinely interested, but I know her and I know women. She wouldn't want to hear that Janeé and I actually got along today. Or that I let her fall asleep in my arms and that I planned on seeing her and her growing stomach everyday I could.
"It was cool." I didn't mean to give her the ambiguous 'guy' response, but I couldn't think of anything else.
"OK. Well, thank you for letting me know you'd be late. I appreciate that, but I don't want this to become a thing with her." The way Aja said 'her' had a hint of something in it that let me know she felt a way about Janeé.
"I know, and again, I'm sorry. But, I can't say it won't happen again, especially after my child gets here." I was honest with Aja this whole process and she promised she understood how important being a great father and co-parent was to me. She knew it was the only way we could continue in our relationship. I hope she wasn't already having doubts.
"You should also know I plan on seeing her everyday I can." I paused, waiting for her to react. She didn't say a word. "I read in a few books that it's important for a child to hear both parents' voices. It helps ease the transition from the womb to the world."
If looks could kill, I'd be six feet under. "So you just expect me to trust her around you everyday? I know she's still in love with you, Michael."
"I don't know about that Aja. I think she's moved on and is focused on the baby." A big part of me felt like that was the truth. Every time I touched her she either didn't react or told me not to touch her at all. Except for today when I finally talked to my child.
"One thing I know about women is that we don't move on that quickly, especially when a baby is involved. She still loves you. I just know she does." Aja said her statement like it was fact, she didn't know Janeé though, she's never even met her.
"You don't know her, Aja," I said in defense of Janeé.
"See! You're taking up for her already!"
"No I'm not! You just think you know about things you have have no clue about! Don't you think it would be easier for me to be with her and have the family I always wanted? Huh? I've never had a girlfriend and a baby moms, I'm trying to figure this hit out as I go!"
"So it would be easier just to be with her? Then why don't you go do that!"
"Seriously? That's all you heard? I was trying to show you that I'm choosing to be here with you, even though it's not easy."
"So I make your life more difficult? OK." She was missing all my points and it was starting to frustrate me.
"Maybe I should go."
"Maybe you should." I was surprised she was willing to let me walk out like this.
"Aight den." By the time I left, I wasn't even mad. I was actually a little relieved and thankful for the free time. When I got home, I just wanted to decompress. I poured a glass of 1942 and laid in my bed, as thoughts of my time with Janeé today replayed over and over in my head. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm having a baby with the woman I'm in love with, but refuse to be with.
She was absolutely breathtaking today. Of course I wanted to connect with my child, but I also couldn't help myself around her. I needed to hold her, to have her close, even if I had to use my baby as an excuse to do it. When she fell asleep, I just watched her below me and wondered if sometime in the future we'd be able to stop hurting each other enough to be together. The idea of that seemed too far-fetched, so I gently lifted her off the floor and onto the couch and texted Aja to let her know I'd be late. If I had known the night would have turned out like this, I would have just stayed a little longer with Janeé.
