The Girl With Lips Of An Angel

Four Weeks Of London

Kaitlyn

I have been living with Hayley now for just over four weeks. We have bonded quite well, and I could say, that apart from Rae, she would be my closest girl friend. She also told me as to why she was a little apprehensive towards Anna.  I learned that Anna was named after Hayley’s sister, Anna. She told me of her sister’s death, how she tragically committed suicide. Hayley also told me, that when my brother had his foreign exchange period over in Ireland, that that is where Anna had met Jonah. According to Hayley, their relationship was a lot like one of those relationships that you read in teen novels or see in the movies. The younger girl, going for the senior that she knew she couldn’t have. It is actually a really sweet story. I now understand Hayley’s upset expressions and hesitance toward my little nice now. How hard it must be to hear your dead sister’s name been thrown around so casually in conversation. I must be really hard for her.

I have also been hanging out with Liam and Zayn the most since living with her. They’re always asking me if I’d like to go with them somewhere, whether it is to dinner or to do some grocery shopping. Last week, I actually went with Liam to Wolverhampton to meet his family and I immediately grew a liking to his mother, Karen. The week before that, I went with Zayn back to his home, Bradford, for a couple of days as well to meet his family. It was quite funny when his mother had asked if we were dating, for which Zayn scolded her about it with amusement clear in his features. He had explained that he and Perrie were still on good terms and he would be seeing her the day after we arrived.

He was right, too.  The day after we arrived, I met his lovely fiancé, Perrie. I am very envious of her stunning good looks and her striking blue eyes. My own eyes may be blue, but there is just something about hers that I fond intriguing. We hung around the local park for the day and that night, Zayn took Perrie out to dinner. I stayed at home and pattered around the kitchen with his mother and his sister Waliyah. They were both giving me very good recipes and ideas for foods that I had no idea even existed. By the time Zayn had come home, he had a gloomy expression on his face.

I questioned him about it, and all he did was pull me to his chest and cried on my shoulder. We were like that for hours and he apologised more times than I care to share. He had explained that Perrie had to leave half way through their dinner because she got called in for a meeting with her management and the rest of the band. Apparently, this is the fourth time that this has happened, though he has a feeling that it isn’t actually business meetings. All I could do was sit there with my now best friend and console with him, as I had no real idea of how their relationship was, nor did I really know Perrie. Zayn was absolutely miserable and I wish to never see him like that again. Though something inside tells me it isn’t the last time.     

These past few weeks I have had a bit of time to think over mine and Louis’… relationship I guess you could call it. I truly do feel so guilty for the way I had acted. It was a rash decision that hurt a few people, which I regret so much. I always only take into account my feelings, how I feel toward a situation, and never think about how much the situation had affected the other person. This time though, I’ve thought more about how Louis feels than how I feel. All I kept thinking about when he told me that he loved me, was that he was going to hurt me, just as Lucas had. But that’s where I went wrong.

I have to stop comparing Louis to Lucas. Louis is a completely different person. I know for a fact that he would never treat me the way that Lucas did toward the end of our relationship. Louis is kind, caring, compassionate, funny, and all round loveable. But if he is all of those things, why can’t I feel the way he wants me to. Why can’t I love Louis like he loves me?

I let the fact that I had only just gotten out of a relationship, and my irrational fear of Louis beating me, get in the way of me thinking about how I truly feel towards the feather haired boy. I wouldn’t go so far as to say love, not right now. But there is definitely a connection there that I am not familiar with.

I love the way he studies my face when I have a million things running through my mind at once. I love the way he was so concerned for me through the time of my relationship with Lucas that he knew me for. I love the way he sang to me those months ago in Australia. I love the way we played together. I love that he obsessed over me between when we were in Amsterdam and Australia, those few months we hadn’t seen each other. I love the fact that he stuck up for me when Lucas came to the theme park. I love the fact that he loves me. But I hate it how I don’t love him.

Or am I just in denial?