The Girl With Lips Of An Angel

No Brain To Mouth Filter

Louis

My eyes and body shoot straight up as I feel a weight being lifted off of my arms. I immediately look over to Kaitlyn and she is staring at me with wide eyes. Her eyes met mine and they showed confusion and anger. I had to look away from her too expressive eyes and cast my own down to my entwined fingers, deeming them a safe place to look.

I heard Kaitlyn huff to herself quietly. Kaitlyn shuffles on the bed for a few seconds before turning around, getting off the bed and storming off in the opposite direction. I shoot my head up quickly and follow after her. I get to her just before she gets to the door, grab her by the elbow and spin her around.

“Why’d you run off?” I ask her.

“Why did… Why were you in that bed with me?” She replies.

“You can’t answer a question with a question,” I chuckle.

“Well I just fucking did. Got a problem with it? I don’t fucking care.” She says with malice.

“Whoa, whoa,” I say and raise my hands defensively, “No need for the hostility.”

“Look, Louis, what do you want me to say? Huh?” She asks with a defeated sigh.

“I want you to tell me why you kissed me last night and then demanded that I stay with you. I thought you didn’t like me that way?” I demand softly and she shakes her head.

“I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what took over me.”

“Well why not?”

“I don’t know, Louis? Okay? I don’t know a lot of the things I did last night. My mind was hazy from the alcohol. I was so past drunk it wasn’t funny, and because of that, I don’t know what they fuck I was doing. I had no control of my actions!” She exclaims, waving her hands in the air. Luckily the music is quite loud so everyone else shouldn’t be able to hear our conversation.

“So you’re saying that without the alcohol in your system, you wouldn’t have done that just then?” I ask slightly hurt.

“Probably,” She says with no emotion at all. There is no emotion on her face showing at all.

“How could you say something like that?” I ask her, my voice breaking. Holy shit, this is cutting into my heart like a knife

“I just did what I thought you wanted me to do. That’s what you wanted wasn’t it, for me to kiss you?” She questions.

“No!” I scream at her. I see her shocked expression caused by yelling and apologise softly.

“What do you mean ‘no’?”

“I wanted you to do it, yes, but not while you were drunk. I wanted it to happen on your own accord, while you were conscious of your actions. That last night,” I throw my hand out beside me for emphasis, “Was not what I wanted, not exactly anyway.”

“What do you want me to do about it, Louis? Huh? What do you want from me?!” She exclaims, tears brimming her eyes.

“I want you to fucking love me!”

“How do you not know this by now, Louis? I’m not going to love you!”

I know this. I already know this. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. I heard it in Australia when she practically ran from me, I’ve heard it in her voice when she talks to me because she talks hesitantly and I see it in the way she acts around me. I was just hoping that there was a sliver of a chance that I could change her mind somehow. But obviously that was never going to happen, nor am I going to tell her everything I just admitted. So of course, me being me, let’s my feelings get the best of me.

She looks at me with questioning eyes after my moment of silence.

“You know what, Kaitlyn? Why do I even try with you? You’re so fucking stubborn. You can’t look past your own struggles, you can’t look past everything that has happened to you and actually think about how your actions do to the people around you. You’re not the only one hurting here! I am dying inside knowing the girl that I love doesn’t love me back.

Do you know how that feels? No, you don’t. Because you had your perfect boyfriend, and your perfect family, and your perfect life. I love you like Lucas could never have loved you, and I actually gave a fuck about you. Did he? No, he fucking didn’t. He treated you like shit and you just took it. Then, he actually beat you. Both of those times you had someone there who loved you and you just ignored that!” Once I’ve finished with my rant, I immediately regret every word I said. No matter how true some of them may have been.

I see tears falling down her cheeks, leaving tear stains in their wake. She furiously brushes them away with the back of her hand and deeply exhales with a huff and then a sob.

“My boyfriend was not perfect Louis, okay? He was never perfect. He would yell at me, abuse me and he raised his hand at me. No, he never hit me until that day, but he always raised his hand at me. My family is far from fucking perfect. Do you know the last time I saw my parents? Eighteen fucking months ago, and all for about two hours while they had a stopover in their plane trip in a country I was in. They send me guilt money, lots of it, because they feel guilty for being away from us. And because of that, my mom was threatening to divorce my dad. Three months me and my brothers went through a stage where we didn’t know if we were ever going to see my dad again after mum divorced him. It was close to happening to, but never happened.

My brother, Jonah, hates himself sometimes. He hates himself because the first girl that he loved killed herself and he blamed himself. He and Lyssa were expecting another baby three years after Anna was born, but Lyssa had a miscarriage. Turns out she can’t have any more kids. Anna almost died when she was born because the cord was wrapped around her throat. My other brother, Nick, he got picked on in high school for being bisexual. Yeah, that’s right, he’s bi. He would get picked on so bad that I would go and help him out of his fights and I ended up getting sent home from school one day with a broken collar bone and a black eye. So, Louis, my life, family and boyfriend, are far from fucking perfect!” She says, taking deep breaths once she’s finished. Her face is flushed with anger and her eyes are red rimmed from crying.

“Kaitlyn, I-“ I go to apologise but she cuts me off.

“Don’t you dare say that you’re sorry, Louis. You should have thought about what you were going to say before you opened your fucking mouth!” She screams at me and I nod in understanding and acceptance, “Now, I am going to go downstairs to find some clothes and then go and get coffee from the coffee shop around the corner. By the time I get back, you better be gone,” She spits and walks out the door, slamming it behind her.

This is not how I planned this morning to turn out.