Can I Say Goodbye?

28 "I'm toxic"

My existence is contemplating me.
I hate to stay but I can't go.
How can a person live when they don't appreciate the life that they're given.
I can't sleep at night. I feel like I can't breathe.
There are days when I'm happy but every now and then I cry a little every night.

I don't really know what I want?
I'm just a horrible person with horrible heart.
The things that I've said... How can I forgive myself.

Regret. Regret. Regret.

I promised that I wouldn't regret. Regret is all I do.

Breathe. Take a deep breath. Breathe.

I promised that I'd stop feeling this way. That I'd breathe but I can't. I can't.

Tears. Sadness. Pain.

I promised myself that I won't become that person. Promised myself that I'll be the better person but I'm becoming the opposite.

Fear. Fear. Fear.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let the fear of becoming like my parents control my life. Funny, how the opposite is what I'm doing.

Mistakes. Mistakes. Mistakes.

I promised that I wouldn't make my parents mistakes. Promised that I would learn from my mistakes and theirs yet I'm doing the opposite.

I'm disappointed with myself. Damn it. Why can't you just forgive yourself? Why are you comparing yourself with your parents? Why are you stressing?

Why aren't you breathing?
You can breathe.
You have the right to breathe.

Then why do I feel like I don't even have the right to live?
My existence is toxic. Not just for others but myself too.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything...