Can I Say Goodbye?

80 "T"

Warning: (Not a poem but a letter.)

To all the hearts that I broke

The broken boys and damaged girls

I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you wished I did

All your tears and voice haunt me in my nightmares

I'm sorry I couldn't love you

I'm sorry I ran away

I'm sorry for not being honest with myself and hurting you in the process

But I swear that now I've changed

And when you see me

I'll smile and wave

This letter is not for all the hearts that I broke. More specifically for the people I damaged the most. There were many people from which I damaged four. I'm ashamed of my actions.

1) Mr blue. The boy I hurt the most, I'm sorry I lied about liking you. I was stupid and angry I was in pain and I wanted someone to feel my pain. I had no right to think that way or hurt you emotionally and mentally. I'm sorry I used you. Your best friend told me you spent a whole month crying over me. Wondering what you did wrong. You began smoking and stopped eating. There was nothing wrong with you. It was all my fault. I hope you forgive me one day. Though I know you'll never read this poem I just hope you've forgiven me...

2) Marshmallow. I'm sorry I was afraid of loving you. We weren't just best friends we were so much more than that. We were the right people who just met at the wrong place and time. You loved me and made sure I knew I was loved. Though we both have moved on. You already know this but I'm still writing it here. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you for loving me. I don't believe in fate and all the destiny stuff and this may sound cheesy but I firmly believe you and I were meant to find each other. It was fate. It was an honour to be called yours. It was an honour to call you mine. To be honest I think I did love you. We were perfect, I was just a bad person and there was a lot of distance between us. I didn't damage you, I just regret the way our friendship slowly ended.

3) Miss Mcflirt. You were one of my many first adventures and my biggest secret. God, you're crazy and I don't regret us. You're probably reading this and laughing out loud with your eyes closed. The same blonde hair, those bright blue eyes. I can still see them clearly when I close my eyes. I loved your laugh, still do. You loved me and I was ashamed of being with you. Afraid of everyone judging me. You taught me so many things. I really don't regret anything, but you turned me into this flirt and I hate that. I still clearly remember the day we met and how to effortlessly winked at me, made a conversation then took a pen and wrote your number on my arm, in a book store. I was so confused. Even though you've forgiven me I still feel guilty.

You're no longer my secret. This is proof that I accepted us. Miss sexy Mcflirt. I didn't regret a thing. You once wanted proof. Here it is. You and I were just two crazy and very confused 16 year olds experimenting. It's safe to say. The experience wasn't bad, we certainly had fun. In the end of our adventure we came to a conclusion that I preferred boys more and you preferred girls more. We remained friends. It was a win win situation until you fell in love with me. Until I messed up horribly... I'm sorry I didn't hold your hand on our coffee dates or took any cute couple photo's with you when you wanted to take them. I'm sorry for cutting you out of my life the moment you told me you loved me. I freaked out. I didn't mean to. I'm so, so sorry.

4) Cinderella. You always called me your princess charming. You loved how I listened to all your problems and helped you out. You thought that I was your savior but I ended up betraying you. You're my second biggest secret. While I did mention Miss Mcflirty, I made sure I never mentioned you because you were my guilty pleasure, my beautiful secret. You were good for my ego. You were innocent and so helpless. A good girl with a lot of faith who needed a lot of rescuing. To be honest, you were a hidden gem. The perfect match for my dominant personality.

You were the right person but when you met me, I was the wrong person.

You loved me with all of your heart. Though you never said it directly I knew you did. You were always the "My actions speak louder than my words," type of girl. We had our own moments. You were gentle and delicate. I was always afraid of touching you, of breaking you. I'm such a hypocrite because I did end up breaking you.

You cried you heart out, called me a traitor and a liar. I knew I deserved it. I deserved your hatred. I'm sorry for breaking your heart. You were so innocent and now you've changed so much.

The girl who always wore hoodies and sweat pants and who always turned red when I held her hand now wears short skirts and tank tops. The girl who would literally faint or stutter when I'd touch her skin now posts wild couple photo's of her kissing her boyfriend on Instagram.

I sometimes wonder if I broke you? I heard you you were a mess after I left you. You began dating girls and boys. You became a heartless heart breaker, worse than me. Your best friend says I'm the reason why you changed so my much. Am I really why you've become like this? I'm so sorry, Cinderella. I didn't want to damage you. Gosh, I'm so sorry. If I had to choose someone I deeply regret hurting it would be you. Your screams and tears still haunt me. I wish I could take it all back. Out of all the people I damaged you the most. I'm so sorry. I'm so damn sorry.

It was because of the four of you I realised how a broken heart can completely change a person.

I've learnt from my mistakes.

I spent 2 years regretting everything I did.

But now I'm letting go of all my bad memories and fears.

I've learnt to finally forgive myself and move on.

I promise you guys that when I finally meet someone again who'll love me I wouldn't run away. I wouldn't break their heart.

There's a boy that I know, he's just like me and the more I get to know him the more I realise how playing with someone's emotions is wrong. And I finally understand what it feels like to love a person like me and how difficult it is, knowing that they're just playing with your heart but you can't do anything because you think you like them so you just hope that it doesn't end so soon and that maybe they'll end up with you.

To all the hearts I broke. I'm so sorry. I'm letting you all go. I'm finally letting go of my guilt. I'm finally fixing myself and getting myself together.

Thank you for loving a heartless soul like me. I know it wasn't easy but I appreciate it. I hope all of you find the real love of your lives. I really do. We're still young and have our entire life ahead of us.

I was young and I couldn't trust anyone. I was rebelling, I was angry at the world and I was taking my anger out in an unhealthy way. I was scared of everyone judging me. Maybe I still am. I've come to realise that I don't need unaccepting people in my life. I've made mistakes in the past. While I may seem like an open book there are parts of me that no one knows. The worst parts are the parts that I've concealed. Today I revealed one of biggest regrets to finally let it go and move on. You only know one part, there are still a hundred more chapters. A hundred more secrets. So if you think you know me. I can assure you, you don't. You only know what I show and tell.

The whole point of this letter is that...

Please don't ever let a heart break change your life. My best friend once said that heart break is inevitable, all you have to do is see if the person is worth the heartbreak or not.
And she's the most beautiful soul I know. She was right. I now live by that advice, I hope you all do too.

Love,
Lily.