SETTLE DOWN, matty healy

Chapter 18: Is There Somebody Who Can Watch You

Song Selection: Oh Ms. Believer by Twenty Øne Piløts

~~~= Trigger warning

The Doctor came into the room now as I sat on the clinic bed for my daily check in. My mother stood expectantly beside me, having just praised me on the drive over here from the progress I'd been making in such a short time.

'Course I'm smart enough to know that that's just going to make her think I'm going to implode on myself if anyone takes their eyes off me.

"You've been making sure to continuously take your pills as directed right? Just because you're okay now, doesn't mean you won't feel it again later. We don't want that risk after all," She explained to me as she imputed her notes onto the computer screen.

My mother nodded beside me, squeezing my shoulder. "I make sure she takes everything for exactly that, even if she doesn't see it's important at times." I felt myself want to burst into laughter at the comment, knowing very well I've been off those things for months now.

'Course that's my own dirty little secret. Who has to know?

The Doctor nodded in approval and explained I appeared to be a simple healthy teenager; that my serotonin should be remained balanced and  keep me from having another incident. Though I only half paid attention to the words that were being spoken, I was grateful to finally find myself back in my mom's car as she made the drive to school. I'd have missed the first two periods, but that didn't-

My mom turned into the driveway of the house instead and I looked to her surprised. "Mom, I'm supposed to be at school remember? Why-"

"Why did you lie?" I looked to her in shock, not too sure on what she was insinuating. "How long haven't you been taking your pills? You're lucky I didn't tell the Doctor myself, but I didn't want to worsen the situation." I shut my mouth slowly, shaking my head to get out of the car instead. "Emma you're prescribed those pills for a reason! You can't-"

~~~~~~~

"Why? Because I tried to kill myself! Jesus fucking Christ everyone refers to it as some goddamn incident and trying to shove it down my throat and make me feel like I can't handle my own emotions! Don't you ever stop to think that's going to drive me back to that point in my life more than not taking some stupid pills!" I vented out to her finally, seeing her slowly crumble at my words, "Since I'm not going to school I'll just be in my room thanks."

I slammed the door shut behind me, taking a deep breath to allow for the anger that was in me to slowly subside. This only allowed for my mind to wander again for a moment unto a darker time of my life, feeling smaller simply by remembering what I had tried to do.

I never felt so small, never felt so alone.

The noose itself was a bit of a challenge to manage from what I remembered, feeling as if it still hung around my neck some days.

When your mind is full of these demons you can't get out, demons you've tried so hard to ignore and kill, you begin to wonder- if you kill the host, do you kill the demons?

That was the secret I've kept the most to hide, even from myself it seemed. To try and forget that I was once at a place where I couldn't even bring myself to continue on in this world. The story never spread further than the family though, tucked away in hiding like it was a shame and simply giving me pills so I could forget the pain.

What a shame, the lonely teenager just so happened to be a poet; an addict with a pen. Leaving the thoughts on pages that would never be read.

~~~~

Worried texts from Matty soon filled my phone, knowing he was unaware of the state I was putting myself in at my perpetual downward spiral of self-loathing. I only simply sat beside my bedroom window in my own state of being, feeling myself begin to forget those around me and only feel the thoughts I had in the now. I glanced over to the phone screen only to sigh at his words.

What's wrong? You weren't in class today, I hope you're okay. Text me back.

Darling, you have to tell me if something's wrong. If there is I want to be there to help you. Please.

Emerson I know you're getting these and I need to know you're alright. Call me, please I'm growing more and more worried.

I rushed down the stairs suddenly, finding myself ignoring my parents set at the dinner table waiting for me to come out and instead grabbed the car keys. "Emma Carson!" The two called after me to which I simply ignored their commands and backed out of the drive way.

The night life was calm now as I found myself growing close to the silence of the car, worried how far my own thoughts would take me. I was better. I am better now. I knocked persistently on the door of the apartment, tucking my sweater closer to me mimicking how less I felt of myself. Matty opened it, surprised to see me from the look on his face. Without saying a word he simply moved out of the way and I slowly made my way inside.

Expecting to see a clean state of living I was surprised to find a mess of wine bottles and cigarette buds on the dining table, to which Matty began to clean in a hurry upon me entering. I only sat myself on the couch, too phased by my own mess to think much of anything else. He looked down to me worried and tilted his head. "Emma-"

Tears flooded from the single mention of my name and I covered my mouth to soften the sobbing, hiding into the palm of my hands. "I'm not fragile, I'm a piece of glass. A shard that's edged and ready to cut anyone at anytime and I don't want to be seen as someone who will break at any moment! I'm tired of it," I admitted, feeling his arms wrap around me in a tight embrace.

He only shushed me, trying to ease me into peace as he kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back. I gripped onto him tightly, feeling more myself here than at home. "I've done some things that I can't speak of without becoming like this. I used to want to hide it but-" I stopped, shaking my head and loosening my grip as I looked up to him, "I'm only going to get worse if I do."

Matty sighed, cupping my cheek as I held his hand in mine. "You're a mess, I get that." He motioned around to the cluttered apartment. "I'm not exactly in my fair share of a perfect state of being either." I couldn't help to chuckle at this, beginning to sniffle as he looked me in the eyes sternly. "Emma Carson, you have the most beautiful of souls, do you know that? I know there is stuff in your past that has made you wish your heart would just stop beating, but your soul, the thing that draws people like me to you, it's addicting. You're truly an art form to behold and you need to know that."

I only took in his words, my mouth slightly agape as I pondered their meaning. Matty kissed my forehead, bringing me in for another embrace. "Remember that I'll love you. No matter what I found. I'll love you and remind you daily if you need it, you won't ever be alone."

Easing myself from this I sat up, shaking my head to him to manage a smile. "Thank you," I simply said and eyed him again with a sigh to have him kiss me gently. Melting from his touch I took the kiss, wrapping my arms around him to feel his embrace again. Clutching onto him for a second, the thought of going home soon fleeted from me. "Can I stay here? Just for the night?"

I eyed him expectantly, not knowing what would come of the situation. Instead Matty only nodded, brushing away the last of my tears with his thumb. "Of course, c'mon now it's getting late."

Following behind him to his minimalistic room, I found myself changing out my clothes into a large overnight shirt of his to then simply wrap myself under the covers. Matty soon followed suit, kissing my neck and wrapping me under his arms. I sighed, turning back to lay my head into his chest comfortably, falling asleep to the sound of his heart.