SETTLE DOWN, matty healy

Chapter 34: Loving Someone

Song Selection: Buttercup by Jack Stauber

The sun was slowly setting from outside the café as I continued to lie back in my seat, perched up to a copy of Howl with my blueberry scone still sitting half eaten on the plate in front of me. Being too distracted with my own reading I had to then ruin by discussing in class going back to school after the weekend, I looked up for a second to check the time.

5:03, I had just gotten here at 3. Christ why do I always let myself waste away my time like that.

I picked up my things, finishing my scone up quickly and ordering myself another cappuccino before starting to head home. Heading over to my car, I noticed another figure stepping out of theirs and sighed under my breath. They noticed me as well, putting out their cigarette before coming over to me. He smiled softly. "Emma I didn't expect to-"

"Yeah neither did I, that's why I came here," I told him, twirling my keys in my hands. "I'm gonna head home. I'll see you, Mr. Healy."

Walking past him, trying my best to not turn back to see if he did the same, the small scent of the cigarettes he had just put out still lingered around him.

He was right before, I never liked the smell. But when it continued to linger onto him? It was intoxicating.

"You said some things too- When we were in London," He mentioned to me as I now began to grow infuriated over him.

I sighed deeply for a second and turned back to him. "Don't mention London, please. That was the last time- for anything," I explained to him. Matty looked to me sadly for a second and I wanted everything to just have him take me up in his arms even for a second.

But it's not healthy.

"I love you." I felt myself grow emotional still having him try to fix what wasn't broken just yet, tearing up in front of him. "Emma you know I mean-"

"Goodbye, Matty."

***

The sun still continued to shine through the window as I lay perched on Matty's chest, continuing to watch the sunrise so early. Knowing very well Ophelia was going to be worried over where I had been all night, I decided to step away from the space I made for myself beside him and back to getting dressed. Feeling his hands wrap around my waist quickly to bring me back, I couldn't stop myself from laughing as he kissed my neck gently. "You know I have to go."

"I know. That doesn't mean I have to let you leave so quickly," He told me. I groaned, tightening my hips around him to top him for a moment to gather his attention. Matty took my hands for a moment silently, kissing my palms gently. "When we go back-"

"Don't talk about going back, we're here now," I told him and shook my head, "Besides, you did say some things."

"That I didn't mean-" Matty looked to me seriously for a moment and I adjusted myself to have him sit up along beside me instead. "Emma you are the one thing that could end me quite sweetly. An end I'd take gladly but-"

I eyed him for a moment as I noticed him, again, picking his words ever-so-cautiously. As if he feared some sort of trigger for me to become insulted by. "You're not my teacher anymore, y'know. And I'm graduating? Whatever we worried about before we don't have to worry about now."

"And your poetry club? The fact I am faculty and at one point you were my student? If it were to come out, what would be said-" Matty looked down for a second, tracing my hands with his thumb momentarily. "It almost happened once before."

I chuckled under my breath at this, looking to him exasperated. "So all of this? Coming back to this?" I took my things rather quickly before I began another argument. "If you knew you were going to do this to me all along, why string me along and take me in your room? Explain that to me, Healy."

Matty remained silent and I shook my head to him, not surprised in the slightest. "I'm done with chances this time. I mean it."

"Emma you don't understand where I'm coming from?"

I shook my head and raised a finger to him, stringing my bag back up. "I understand perfectly well." Paying attention to the frame of him in the bed one last time, I took in every detail before I said anything else. "You've been dreaming that you're in love with me. Because if you really were, you wouldn't keep putting me up with things like this. It's time one of us realizes that."

***

Trudging back to school after the weekend proved to be just as difficult as I'd think it to be. Coming down the steps so obviously bothered by my situation, my mother looked to me worried in the kitchen. "Is everything alright? You haven't been yourself recently."

I nodded silently, grabbing a cold Pop Tart quickly before driving to school. Today seemed to be the day everyone caused their concerns towards me as Ryder and Anna looked to me surprised from the bleachers of the school field. "No coffee?"

Looking down for a second at only the pop tart in my hands, I bit into it silently and shrugged my shoulders. "I wasn't in the mood today."

The two of them exchanged a look towards one another in an equal exchange of surprise. "We just worry about you, Em. If someone thing is bugging you we don't want you getting back to where you were before. I mean you were so happy last term? You were in a better place," Ryder mentioned sympathetically.

Anna being the only one to know what exactly brought me to that place in my life nodded silently. "It's okay to be independent. If there was something you depended on to be that kind of happy that is," She assured me for a moment.

I smiled to her knowingly and nodded. "Thanks you guys. I just need some time to dwell on my thoughts I think." They nodded understandingly, trying to distract me with small rumors Anna had heard amongst the school. Laughing along with them, my phone vibrated suddenly as the bell rang far off into the distance. Reading the text message between the board members, my heart sunk deep into my chest for a second.

"Hear something interesting there, Emerson?"

I closed the phone for a second, still confused myself. "M- Mr. Healy stepped down as our faculty member for poetry club this year."