SETTLE DOWN, matty healy

Chapter 35: The Ballad Of Me And My Brain

Song Selection: Change Ur Mind by Hunny

Crossing my legs quickly on my bed, holding a pillow tightly in front of me, I waited patiently for the Skype call to load on my laptop. A small grin immediately popped up onto the screen upon seeing me and I laughed in surprise. "If it isn't Prince Charles himself!"

"Are you ever going to actually just call me Charlie there, Rose," He asked, raising a brow to me with a small smirk.

I blushed slightly at the nickname, tilting my head to him. "Rose?"

"Too many people call you Emerson? I took some time to think about it believe it or not." He stepped away for a moment and I looked on confused, only to see him return with a compilation of Oscar Wilde works. "Ah, on what little thing does happiness depend! I have read all that the wise men have written, and all the secrets of philosophy are mine, yet the want of a red rose is my life made wretched."

I looked down for a second, knowing very well what he was trying to mean with this. "Charles we're thousands of miles away from each other I just assumed you wouldn't be this way?" I mentioned to him and turned ahead to see him frown slightly. "I don't want you to feel some sort of romantic cliché for me-"

"It's anything but cliché? If I wanted to be cliché I would've easily picked some sonnet to swoon you for my own and you would've loved it just as much?" Surprised to hear him suddenly be passionate of this, I sighed deeply over this. "I didn't know how obvious I could have made it before anyways."

I nodded. "No I- I knew. I always knew." I rubbed my arm for a moment, trying to find the right words to say. "I do like you Charles, I do. I've just been through some things that I'm not sure I've completely gotten over?"

He smiled softly to me and shrugged his shoulders. "I understand. I just needed you to know?" I looked at him for a moment, knowing very well a whole ocean was separating us but he did feel like he was right in my room with me now and not through a screen. "I do care for you deeply, Emma. Whatever time you need I'll wait for you."

God I want so desperately to have myself a Wilde and not a cliché Shakespeare, I do.

"I care about you too, Charles. I mean it." I smiled to see him beaming at the remark as I wished to believe what I meant to be true without even the slightest of doubt. But, of course, my stupid heart proved to do its job just well to have me know quite well how much of a liar I had become.

***

It was dark now, past my usual midnight slumber and well on towards 3 am as I sat in bed with my small lit lamp out and being too distracted to read Percy Shelley it seemed. Rolling through the small heart necklace Matty gave me in my hands for another hour, I continued to dwell on my thoughts. So clearly in my head, he was there. He would always be here no matter how hard it seemed I would try to be rid of him.

Was that even for the better?

I'd been carrying a piece with him even after he wasn't mine and it was time for me to let the past go...

For good.

Getting up immediately from my bed, I clutched the small necklace in my hand and began to scour for the box I knew I had in my room. I looked down to it for a moment, knowing very well this was the last thing of his I continued to keep close. With this I simply tossed inside along with the rest of the memories. Sniffling for a moment with the amount in the box, I soon found a place to hide it away. To throw it out was something I'd regret no doubt in the future.

And I didn't have the courage to actually throw it all out.

Tucking myself away back into bed, I looked to my journal for a second to see the pen hanging at the edge of it. Grabbing it quickly while I was in the midst of my passion, I turned back to the empty page I had been failing to fill in for months now.

Dawn draws near.
The two of us growing in our childish fears.
Promises once made have yet to be kept,
But the two of us stay confined in this bed.
The light begins to seep into the darkness,
As you try to pull the covers over our heads,
To save whatever it is left in this sinful place.
The birds are chirping as the blinds remain shut.
Dawn is here.
Now our childish fears have come true my dear.

Looking over for a second, I shook my head. "London," I muttered under my breath. I knew deep in my heart that what happened in London was as real as it felt of me to be, but that's all over now. He's gone and I- I've got to finish my last year and be rid of all of this.

Turning the pages of previous fills I had made, sketches skewed across the words every now and then caused for me to stop at an early piece I had read at the Poetry Club. I could vividly see Matty entering the room in the midst of my reading. It was all so- simple. Everything felt simple even though it apparently never was at all.

I lay back in bed for a moment, setting the journal beside me as I tried to drift into sleep rather than deeper into thought over memories that should be forgotten. "Emma Carson, you have the most beautiful of souls, do you know that? I know there is stuff in your past that has made you wish your heart would just stop beating, but your soul, the thing that draws people like me to you, it's addicting. You're truly an art form to behold and you need to know that," The memory ran back through the ballad of nostalgia my brain continued to incessantly bring upon me. Covering my face out of frustration, I only hoped to eventually drift into a deep sleep rather than continue to dream over the memories of the past.

Hard to not think about someone who helped keep your mind at ease. Even harder to be independent with yourself after the person is gone.

a/n updated on Matty's birthday just because I'm still sad about waiting to see them but hope he's alright during quarantine 🥺♥️ take care & stay safe everyone.

~J.S. ✨