SETTLE DOWN, matty healy

Chapter 33: Frail State of Mind

Song Selection: Pretty Girl by Clairo

Parking in the student lot, the bell to head to class already rung in the distance. My urge to run to be on time apparently was left last school year as I now paced myself on the first day back, Iced Coffee already in hand.

Everything that happened last year is in the past. Sure I fell in love and sure I rekindled that love for a brief moment in London, but I plan to be rid of the problems of last school year and want to make amends. After all, senior year is the best one yet, right? That's what they always say.

Stepping through the class in time to hear the bell ring behind me, I noticed Ryder turn back to see me as the two of us exchanged an awkward glance to one another. "No drinks in class," Mrs. Henderson told me rather abruptly beside my desk, having me sigh under my breath in defeat.

So much for a great start.

***

Once the bell rang for lunch, I continued on my way towards my usual spot with Anna before turning to see Mr. Healy's class. Some laughter could be heard from inside, catching my attention enough to make me stop. C'mon Emma, this isn't healthy.

Looking back to peer into the crack through the door leading into the class, I soon caught a glimpse of him smiling to this girl. His hair was shorter now, straightened too it seems as there was no trace of a curl left. He was completely different than when I saw him last, making my thoughts wander along back to room 102 for a moment. The heavy breathing caused for me to blush for a moment over my own memory. "Emma-"

The girl walked past me nonchalantly as Matty was now looking down to me, leaning against the doorway rather casually. The look in his eyes made me wonder if he felt as conflicted about seeing me as I felt seeing him. Not being able to find the right words to say as the only thing on my mind was where the two of us had last left things, it only made sense for me to remain a mess at the very presence of him. "How was-"

I moved past him into the classroom, placing my bag down as he shut the door behind me. Matty pushed past his hair from his face, taking a deep breath in. I was annoying him no doubt, he can't pick a single word to hide the fact that I will always just simply be a child to him. "What's on your mind?"

I scoffed at the nonchalant comment. "What's on my mind?- Y'know I'm not stupid, I see what you're doing."

"You can't see a student coming out of my classroom with a smile and assume anything. It's a bit-" He held his tongue for a moment as I folded my arms at what he was about to say. "I don't get a kick out of flirting with students, Emma. I really don't."

Staying silent for a second, I dropped my hands for a second. "We shouldn't be seen together anyways, you made that so clear. I should just head out, it was childish of me to come over here. Right, Mr. Healy?" Grabbing my bag again to head on my way, I moved past him only to be stopped short in my tracks. Matty grabbed my wrist quickly to have me turn back to him annoyed. The two of us looking at each other for a second took me back to this time last year so easily.

And then I was in London again...

"I do miss you. I know it's not easy for you to see that and you think I'm being a coward, but I would do anything to make sure you get every opportunity." Knowing well enough what he was referring to, I only continued to hold my tongue to have him let me go and continue my way past him. I shut the door to the class behind me, zoning out for a moment on the way to a mediocre half hour lunch. Taking a seat without paying much attention to anyone, I was only snapped back into the present with Anna yelling across from me.

"Something's wrong, it's written all over your face."

I laughed at this and tried to brush it off. "There's nothing wrong?"

She motioned to me sadly. "Look, you know you can tell me anything." She paused for a second, looking away from me before mentioning her thoughts. "You see him today?"

"Hard to avoid someone who works at my school." I looked up to see the genuine concern from her, wondering if I could speak my mind. "I saw him this summer."

"But you told me-"

"I lied- because I didn't know what to think of myself for it." Sniffling for a second, I tried to maintain my composure as best I could. "I still love him. It just- it just hurts. It hurts so much and I have no fucking clue what to do with my own thoughts."

Anna took my hand softly into her own. "I know, it's okay. You can't really get over your first heartbreak all that quickly." Finally feeling some tears fall across my cheek she sighed, going around to my side to wrap her arms around me tightly. "We'll grab a coffee and scone at that place you like after school, okay? My treat."

I nodded into her shoulder, feeling another hand touch me softly. Anna let go of me briefly and I turned up to see Ryder looking down to me apologetically. "Emma I've been-" She stopped herself when she noticed me crying and frowned. "Wait what's wrong, why are you crying? I swear if someone-"

I stood up to hug her tightly, laughing under my breath. "I was stupid for being so brash with you. I'm sorry for what I said."

She smiled over to me and shook her head. "I'm sorry for putting you in that situation I was just worried?"

"I know and I love you for that," I told her, laughing under my breath to have her roll her eyes and embrace me in a hug once again.

***

I'm back to the beginning again,
Reteaching myself all over.
I can't seem to remember who I was before you.

I groaned ripping the page and tossing it aside, cringing at the writing. A knock came from my bedroom and I looked over to see my Dad coming in cautiously. "A letter came in for you today. Good to see you made yourself a pen pal while you were away." I only smiled at the comment, taking the letter from my dads hands to see it for myself. Charles name was written across the front quite neatly Thinking it wouldn't hurt to ignore the amount of homework I was already neglecting a tiny bit longer, I set aside my stuff to open the contents within gently.

Dear Emma,

It's funny, I didn't think I'd expect myself being reminded of you on the first days back home yet here I am. Now you're probably wondering: what on Earth was it that drew this boy's very soul to have some dashing thought about me- or something to that extent as you tend to be a tad bit formal and over dramatic in your writing. Well, if you must know, it was a tree. It was a tree that I could picture you under drawing a sketch of something you saw that day, the tree, or even of me. I hope you're better back home, only because I think you of all people deserve to be happy. That's the way I see it at least. And try not to be a bit melodramatic nowadays will you? I'll talk to you again soon.

With love,
Charles

p.s. attached to this letter is a leaf from the tree, just so you know I'm not lying.

I laughed under my breath, twirling the dried leaf in my hands as I sat back at my seat. Looking out the window for a second to notice it already getting dark outside my mind began to wander for a second at my possibilities. Deciding to take a bit more of my time to my pen pal, I grabbed a pen and paper of my own to write back to him.

Dearest Charles,
To ask me to no longer be melodramatic is as impossible as you think it to be-

I stopped myself in my thought process, biting my lip for a moment at what message I was trying to give to my friend. Or, for that matter, if I were to make it plainly obvious the two of us were to remain friends. Thinking back for a moment to Anna reassuring me over my guilt over Matty, I nodded to myself in reassurance. It was quite certain I was heartbroken- and I don't really know if I could bring myself to get over him. This time, however, I wasn't going to be stopped in being the 18 year old I was and not simply living the cliché lifestyle of some teen romance novel.

It seems being back home has reminded me of you too, Charles. Though it doesn't come as a surprise to me in the slightest-