Twenty Øne Piløts||Imagines

" 'Cause I'm Awful Just to See..."//Tyler

Word Count:1147
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Turn away
'Cause I'm awful just to see
And all my hairs abandoned all my body

Another sleepless night. Yet another night I had lied awake in my bed, turning from one side to the other, trying to find sleep, but it was just out of my grasp.

When I had rolled over to find a patch of my own hair on my pillow, I gave up, throwing the covers off of my legs and dragging my feet to the bathroom. I closed the door quietly, turning the light on after it was shut, so I didn't wake my husband sleeping on the other side of my bed.

The blinding light stung my eyes as they adjusted from the darkness of the bedroom, forcing me to squint at my own reflection in the mirror. Everything came slowly into focus as I leaned forward, steadying myself with my hands on the sink.

The increased thinness of my hair was plainly visible, and I felt the empty patches that were growing along my scalp when I ran my fingers through it, pulling out even more hairs.

The tears welled up in my eyes as I stood there, staring at my trembling form in the mirror. I had been undergoing chemotherapy for about 3 weeks now, and more and more of my hair was falling out each day, but I couldn't bring myself to shave it all off.

My hand was over my mouth, trying to muffle the cries that came from it as I leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. I pulled my knees into my chest, clinging to them.

A soft groan could be heard from the bedroom, and I did my best to stifle my sobs, hoping that he was only stirring, maybe to roll over in the bed and fall back asleep.

My hopes were crushed when I heard footsteps approaching the bathroom door.

"Y/N?" The door creaked slightly as Tyler pushed it open just a crack, his soft voice carrying through.

"Go back to bed, Tyler," I did my best to make my voice sound normal, but it broke halfway through, foiling any attempts at convincing him I was fine.

"Hey, what's going on?" he asked softly, stepping into the bathroom and sitting on the floor next to me, legs crossed.

I turned my head away from him shamefully, unable to even look at him. "Please don't look at me," I pleaded, the tears slipping down my cheeks and onto Tyler's sweatshirt that hung loosely over my frame.

"What?" I could hear his voice crack as he spoke. "Why not?"

"Can't you see?" I finally snapped, the emotional scale in my mind that had previously been on the verge of tipping completely fell apart. "I'm hideous! I'm so pale all the time, and I look like a ghost, I can't do anything, and now, my hair is falling out of my head!" I cried, running my fingers through it to show him the clumps the came out onto my fingers. The sobs shook my body as I told him, "I can't bear for you to see me like this, Tyler."

As I sat there crying, I felt his arms wrap around my body, pulling me into his lap as he rubbed soothing circles on my back. "Y/N, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and this stupid illness and the chemo haven't changed that one bit!" I could hear him sniffling as he spoke. "Y/N you are so, so strong, and this doesn't define who you are, okay?" He put his fingers under my chin , lifting my head so I would look at him.

I nodded at him, and he wiped the tears from my cheeks.

He gave me a sympathetic look before he spoke. "If you think you're ready," he took a deep breath before continuing. "Do you think maybe it's time to shave the rest of it off?"

The thought brought tears to my eyes once again, but I knew he was right. I stared at my hands sitting in my land before whispering s short, "yeah." He kissed my forehead, and we sat there for a moment in silence until he help me stand up from his lap. He leaned over to grab the electric razor that he used for his own hair from the cabinet under the sink and stood up beside me.

Plugging it in, he turned it on and back off to ensure that it still worked before looking at me sadly. "Do you want to do it yourself, or would you rather I do it?"

After a moment's hesitation, I took the razor from his hands without speaking. I took one last lingering look in the mirror at the hair I would be cutting off in mere moments, and with a deep breath, ran the razor through the middle of my thin hair, pulling away the sections that had been cut off, dropping them onto the counter.

Tyler stood behind me, hands on my hips, squeezing gently to reassure me, and he watched through the mirror as I ran the razor through my hair a couple more times.

After I had shaved a few spots, reality hit me that I was really shaving off my own hair, and I could no longer control the shaking in my hands. More tears slid down my cheeks as I tried to steady my hands enough to continue, but to no avail. Tyler let go of me, taking the razor from my hands slowly, and finished the job I had started.

I barely held myself together as he ran his fingers gently over my head, checking for any patches he had missed, cleaning up a couple spots he found.

Finally, he turned off the razor, the buzzing of it silencing, instantly leaving the room in an eerie silence as we both stood there, looking at my reflection.

Tyler wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"Wow," was what he said first. "You look so beautiful."

Like a switch that had been flipped, I began sobbing again, turning in his arms to face him, burying myself in his chest. I didn't know if I was crying over what we had just done or what he had said(or both), but Tyler whispered soothing things in my ear, running his hand up and down my back, calming me only slightly.

He guided me back to the bed, shutting the light off as we left the bathroom. He pulled away for a moment, only to pull the covers back over our bodies before he embraced me again, holding me in his comforting arms.

"It's going to be okay, Y/N." He kissed the top of my (now bare) head. "I'll be with you every step of the way. I promise."