Everything At Once

Indecisive.

I should hate you. I should want to throw you off a cliff or into lava or watch someone rip your heart out of your chest like you did to me emotionally. I wasn't in love with you or anything, but broken friendships hurt a lot worse than a relationship breaking in half. I really should hate you, but I don't. I don't because once upon a time, you mattered to me. I wanted nothing but the best for you and that's what I tried to help you reach during our friendship. Before, you mattered to me and I mattered to you. I cared about you and the feeling was mutual for a while. It's not now, I guess. But it isn't because that's what I wanted. It's because I know for a fact that if I had the opportunity to go back and choose whether to crawl back or not when you left my life the first time, I wouldn't. I would change the fact that I went out of my way after EVERYTHING to fix things with you. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

    Things turned out differently. There's this constant tug-of-war mainly between you and keeping yourself afloat with negativity rather than you and I fighting about who's wrong and who's right. You weren't right in what you did on my acc though. You weren't right to sabotage something you didn't even ASK about. I would've rather had a common ground to have the love of my life by my side than lose him. You would've gotten an honest answer if you asked what was going on. Instead, you assumed I packed my bags to leave you to "go have fun with my new friends". Plottwist: I didn't even think we'd be able to fix things and slowly go back to how it was but we have and I'm happy about it. I wouldn't have left you, betrayed you or replaced you. I never did any of that to you, even though you did it to me. Here's why.

    You were the first actual friend I had that I got to see everyday and make tons of memories with. You were my rock for a while. You taught me things I didn't know and showed me things I was never shown before. I really cared about your well being and if things were okay or not. I was there when all else failed and no one else showed up to come to your rescue. I was there and I was happy to be there. I was, until the first time you left me over something that wasn't my fault and didn't even really have anything to do with me. You didn't even tell me yourself, and that's one of the bad parts. The worst part is that you threw away our friendship of over 5 years (at the time it happened) away like it was some nasty old junk you'd find covered in mold after the winter and broke our pinky promise. Nothing will ever make up for the fact that you, the #1 person that promised to never let anything or anyone ruin our friendship, did just that. But that's only the first time; the second time was worse. Things were one sided and I did a lot more than I probably should've to get you back. Look at where that got me. You did it again. You left for some dumb ass reasoning again. You wanted to "protect yourself" so you dipped, again. I wish I never came back. It wouldn't feel like this.

    I've come to the realization that maybe I never needed you back. I thought I did; I thought I was broken without you. Then I asked myself "Why have someone in your life that doesn't say a thing when you feel like jumping in front of a car or having a breakdown in the corner?" I'm not mad nor am I holding it against you. There's no need to. Just know this: your thought of me crawling back to you is false. I honestly don't want anything to do with you ever again. I don't need you.

   

    Sometimes, I really fucking regret meeting you. I do and don't at the same time, but maybe I should. I don't regret making memories before you changed. I don't regret having you around before you switched up, but now I kinda do. I regret opening up to you and caring about you and letting you back in when you didn't deserve a thing from me. I should've stayed away but I let the untamed fire of differences burn me. Everyone else was right. Take care.
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before anyone takes things the wrong way, i'm not wishing anything upon anyone. i'm just revealing the fact that i'm done being stepped on, i'm done being the bad guy and i'm done being used. if you're reading this? ash the crow sends their hellos and hopes you tell the truth someday.