the definition of dissociation is: "disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions & identity"
it pretty much feels like nothing's real. it's you watching everyone laugh and talk and interact while you feel like no one can hear or see you. it's a feeling that the human body shouldn't have to feel so they can find a safe space. you should be able to find a safe space on yourself without having to disconnect from everything and everyone else.
a common cause of dissociation is post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd). i, myself, have both and it effects my life highly. i can't let people touch me sometimes and i don't enjoy sex like a teenager should because i've been sexually assaulted twice and now when i'm touched in certain spots, i break down and have a panic attack. i can't sit in a room with a handheld sharpener you can see the blade in because i've self harmed and seeing those make me want to relapse. i can't sit next to a window in any room because i'll hear that voice i used to hear in my head in middle school tell me to open it and jump. i can't take more than one pill at a time because i've tried to overdose and i have to remind myself that i promised to stay clean and not try to, even while taking tylonel. i'm screaming in my head but all anyone hears is silence. my demons settled into the deepest, darkest parts of my mind years ago and made a home there. it comes in waves and it's all out of my control. i don't even know if prescribed antidepressants will help, but i need to try.
my scars make me self conscious. they're a reminder that i'm fighting a battle. they remind me of the vow i made to myself: in the end, ill go out on my own terms. i can't do that now. i can't leave them now. i can't disappear now. i feel no good and like a waste of space, but i have to stay. i have to give people a reason to keep going, and that reason will be me.
people may have it worse but that doesn't mean this doesn't matter. people are still human, no matter how bad it is. this is real. suicidal intentions are real. suicidal attempts are real. successful suicides are real. stay alive.
look out for your loved ones. i love you guys.
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hey guys .. sorry about this one. i'm having a bad night and i just wanted to get this across. you guys can always message me if you ever need someone, you're important to people. even if there aren't a bunch, there's always that one. please stay safe, everyone 💛
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No Ficciónit's weird, letting out this story. but the only way i wanna do this is through writing, not speaking. so, just read on to learn why sometimes, emotions either make a monster of people or being out the best in them. i'm here for anyone who needs the...
