Everything At Once

Panic Attacks.

they're not pretty. they aren't five seconds like they're shown to be in movies and on tv. as someone who suffers with ptsd, depression and anxiety, i've seen that panic attacks are romanticized a lot. they aren't just crying and wanting to die for three minutes and then it's magically okay. you literally feel like your body is ripping itself apart on the inside. you're practically at war with yourself. you feel like everything's slowly becoming darker and you want it all to go away. you can't feel your chest anymore since it's so tight from hyperventilating and it's become an empty hole where you heart should be. it can even come to a point where your body gets physically numb since you've been panicking for so long. that feeling is like your whole body being asleep and the only way it'll stop is if you calm yourself down, but that isn't easy. it isn't easy to tell the voices in your head to stop. it isn't easy to tell yourself that you're enough when everything you've ever done for anyone was never enough since they always found a way to leave. it isn't easy to tell yourself that you're beautiful when you've been taken advantage of again and again. it isn't easy to say that you should open up when people have betrayed your trust so many time and have even used your own words against you. you're shaking to the point where you feel as if you could cause an earthquake but that's just really in your own world. it's hard to find people to help you calm down. they aren't beautiful. they don't "help you grow". they don't make you feel better. you feel empty after. you feel drained. you're lying on the bathroom floor wondering why you even fucking exist anymore and at times, you wish you didn't. no one really understands.