Everything At Once

I Thought He Was Worth It.

i went to Dairy Queen with my bestfriend a couple night ago. while we're talking to the people at the register, there was an elderly man that walked in. he was skinny, wearing a blue sweatshirt and faded jeans. he comes up and orders two hot fudge sundaes with the biggest smile on his face. we said he could order before us & i'm happy we did. he looked really happy (the first happy elderly man i've seen in a while really) and i loved it. i figured he had a wife waiting for him in their white or gray 1950 Cadillac or something and it was the most adorable thing. could i ever make someone that happy?

i'm with someone but i always wonder if i'm enough. not because i think he's gonna cheat on me like people have in the past, but bc i fear that one day he'll look at me and not feel the spark he feels right now. i'm afraid of that, and the people that know me personally know that nothing really frightens me like it used to anymore. but that? shit, i'm scared. i'm scared he'll wake up next to me one morning and think that everything he says he loves now has become a problem. i fear he'll tell me my eyes are too dark, my laugh doesn't light up his soul like it used to and my voice is annoying. i fear he'll become cold to the touch. i fear his hugs won't be as tight and he won't laugh as hard at my corny jokes i tell sometimes. i fear he'll see me how i see myself at times and it sucks.

i fear these things but he tells me it'll never happen. he tells me that he'll never get over the fact that i cover my mouth when i smile or i snort when i laugh really hard or i say a joke and apologize over and over while squeezing him to prove that i'm kidding. he said he'll never get over the fact that i sing really loud in the car when my favorite song is on or that i curl up in the corner with his sweater when he lets me borrow one or that i lay all over him when we're together. he says he'll never stop loving me, no matter what. he says that he's seen every side of me — the good, the bad, the horrid and the ugly — and never loved me any less. the thing is: i know the feeling is mutual.

i know he's afraid that i'll leave him for someone "better" or someone who "makes me happier" than he does, but who else is better than someone i can be myself with? i can sit there and talk to him for HOURS about any and everything. we can even have pillow fights, tickle fights and talk shit to each other but we laugh it off at the end of it all. what's better than someone who knows every side of you and loves you unconditionally? yeah, he might have friends you may not be fond with and you might too but you know neither of you are leaving and that's what matters. for the first time, i may be afraid but i'm ready for the worst with him. he was there when others weren't. maybe he won't be there forever but i'm ready to get through the rest of our time, good or bad, together.

i'll deal with the shit i get for being with him. i'll deal with the assholes who come at me bc shit ends up changing since i want him here. i'll deal with people who don't like me or don't like him and don't want us together. if you love me like you claim (anyone really) then you'd understand why i kept him here. you'd understand that it's more than just sex because sex is kinda pointless in today's society (and if anything, it's just a bonus.) he was here for a bunch of things others never saw and he never once fucked me over. i'll deal with it all because he means a lot to me. he's worth it, to me.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
hey guys, i hope you're doing okay.
i haven't updated but i'm trying to as much as i can. i'll probably do it between Friday-Sunday since those are my fee days or i'll post in between class times. this one kinda went in a different direction than i thought it would at first but i hope you guys like it!! it's a bit personal but it's alright 😊💛