NUMB

Day Fifty-One (pt. 6) - Elyse

All the sounds of the world around me flood my ears and my gaze shifts from the smoking gun in Sheila's hand, to Jet's body on the roof in front of me.

Blood seeps across his shirt and his eyes meet mine before they flutter closed.

I am not sure if I am even moving, but somehow I find myself in front of Sheila. She is speaking to me, but I am not registering her words. She spits a laugh in my face, cocks the gun again and points it at me.

My pulse beats against my chest, I can hear it in my ears, feel it in my fingers. I recognize the heat under my skin, the rage so much stronger than when I was fighting Krysta. It comes as a flood and I let myself get swept away in it.

I am Numb on the outside, but Sensitive on the inside. My emotions rage and thrash and break my bones, take control of my body. Sheila swings at me, but I move on automatic and dodge it, let the rage take hold.

The image of Jet's body lurching backwards as the bullet slammed into him plays on repeat behind my eyes. Sheila continues to speak to me, her voice pleading and pathetic. The gun is now somewhere on the ground behind me. I don't know where it went, but as long as she doesn't have it, I don't care. I come at her with everything in me.

All the emotion she has wanted to see, that she has forced upon me, explodes out of me and spills over her. It drowns her as I slam my fists against her over and over and over again. It suffocates her words before they can make it past her tongue as I press my fingers into the skin on her throat.

In the rushing of the blood in my ears, the storm raging in my head, there is a break. A moment of calm. Just long enough for her words to make it through, "I was just trying to help."

Our eyes meet and the fire that was in hers has died and taken up roots in mine instead.

"Nobody asked for your help."

I release my grip on her neck and watch as she drops off the side of the building, falling and falling until the smoke below swallows her whole.

///

I am only vaguely aware of moving after that. The world around me is melting away, colors blurring and voices merging into one ball of sound that passes right over me. I am vaguely aware of dragging Jet's body to where Tasha stands.

Her face is smeared with tears, she says something to me but I do not understand what it means. Isaiah motions towards something, but I can only stare at Jet—his once sun-kissed skin paled and shiny with sweat. As I stare at him, I reach down inside of myself and find the emptiness, the Numb, and wrap myself in it like a blanket. Jet said once, even if I do not feel it, it can still hurt me.

He was wrong. If I do not feel it, there is no way that it can hurt me. So I do not feel this, I make a wall inside and trap the feeling inside of it. If it stays there, then I will not have to feel how awful this hurts. How badly the pain burns me.

Krysta and Tasha help me towards a metal ladder that runs along the far edge of the building. Jet had been right about there being an emergency exit.

I do not think about how we will get his body off the roof.

///

Edie clutches my hand as I stare at the building in front of me. For thirteen years, this place was my home. Thirteen years and it only took less than two months for the truth to bring it to the ground. The flames consumed the entire building shortly after we escaped off the roof. Isaiah managed to bring Jet down with him, but I have not been able to look at him.

Edie keeps telling me something, but it is too hard to focus on anything right now. I know that staring at the fire should burn my eyes, the smoke should sting my lungs, but I am Numb for now and I feel nothing.

I am empty.