NUMB

Day Thirty-Three - Elyse (pt. 2)

It's not until we are in our room after sundown that I am alone with Edie. As soon as the door clicks shut behind us, I say what is on my mind.

"I don't know if I can feel anymore."

Edie spins around to look at me, her eyebrows raised. They lower and she opens her mouth to speak a few times before finally asking, "What do you mean?"

"I mean I woke up yesterday morning and things didn't feel like they did the other day. I was back to being me. Back to being Numb. But then today things are different again. I can't feel physical sensation, but when Krysta slapped my knee earlier, I swear it sent a shock up my leg. I keep thinking that I'm feeling emotions, but I don't know if they are mine or if they are the drugs. And I don't know what's happening, but I cried last night, Edie. I cried like I was a child."

"Elyse..." Edie makes a move to touch me, but I sidestep her, pace around the room.

"It's all so confusing. And then I had this dream last night. I had a dream about Jet, and he spoke to me, Edie. I heard him and I felt him and I swear he was here. It felt so real. But I woke up and it was just me in my bed and you in yours, and I was crying but I don't know why. I don't know if these are my emotions surfacing, or if it's the drug and just thinking about it is making me want to rip my hair out!"

Edie stands in front of me with her fingers pressed to her mouth. I can see the corners of her lips twitching up. She drops her hand and moves toward me again. This time I make no move to avoid her and she simply wraps her arms around me and holds me for a moment before releasing me.

"I can't say anything for sure, Elyse. I know hardly anything about how this drug works. Maybe the drug held that missing piece that brought your emotions to the surface in your mind. I've been telling you that I don't think being Numb is as simple as they make is seem. So, what if while you could feel, in that short time, the drug clicked something on that didn't turn off when it went away? What if, the sensation of physical feeling was temporary, but because you've always had the capability of emotion inside of you, that stuck? Does that make sense?"

I am quiet for several long minutes. There is a knot in my throat when I go to answer her. "It makes sense. But...but does that mean that what I am feeling is actually me? I am the one feeling sad and angry and scared?"

"I think so. I think that's one-hundred percent Elyse in there."

My bottom lip trembles and seconds later I am crying again. Though I am not entirely sure why I am crying. Emotions are strange things. I wipe at my face with the back of my hands and blow out a long breath. "Will you keep it a secret?"

Edie smiles and cups my face in her hands, my skin registering the faintest hint of warmth. "Of course. Isn't that what friends do? I know you'd do the same for me if I were in your place. You have done the same for me. It'll be our secret."

I cannot help the smile that cracks across my face. "Thanks Edie."

She winds her arms around me and I do the same to her. I hide my face in the crook of her neck and breathe in her familiar scent. There's a word that Mrs. B taught us a few years ago that I think fits the emotion settling in my chest right now. Grateful.