I woke up feeling numb and alone. My ribs, legs and arms felt sore and stiff and so did my neck.
Feeling completely empty inside, I stumbled to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, studying myself quietly, taking in the dark bruises around my neck, my bloodshot and baggy eyes, my pale face. My skin wasn’t normally pale, but it was today. I looked horrible and was grimly satisfied that my outsides at least matched how I felt inside now.
I got dressed, wearing a turtleneck to hide the bruises, still completely unfeeling. When I arrived at school, I kept my head bowed as much as I could without putting my neck into too much pain, letting my hair fall and cover my face.
My pack watched me carefully all day, never saying a word. They were used to me coming to school some days and being kind of like this, but I knew they realized that today was worse than usual. I wanted to talk to them about it, to just unload all this stress, but I couldn’t find it in me to say a word.
An awkward and tense silence followed me wherever I went, and after a few minutes of sitting at the lunch table, a place that was usually full of jokes and laughs, I wanted to scream. It was claustrophobic being in the cafeteria where everyone was talking and laughing loudly, all crammed together in one room while we sat in a heavy silence. No one seemed to know what to say. I wasn't sure which was worse: being bombarded with questions and attention or being given space and time to feel.
My head started to throb at the loud volume of the cafeteria and I finally gave up.
“I’m going to rehearse,” I said quietly, getting up and leaving without waiting for a response or even sparing a glance at my pack.
I strode out of the cafeteria, head still bowed as I wandered through the hallways slowly. I went to the music room and sat outside of it, waiting for Blake to show up so we could rehearse.
That’s what I wanted. A distraction. Something to take my mind off things, if even for forty minutes.
I stared straight ahead at the grey wall in front of me, trying to keep my mind blank. Or at least keep it away from last night’s memories.
“Lila? Why are you on the floor?” Blake asked, suddenly crouching down next to me. He frowned, inhaling deeply, “What happened to you?”
I scrambled to my feet and he stood next to me, his face creased with worry. “I was waiting for you,” I said softly as he stepped around me and unlocked the door. He opened it and waved me through first like usual before closing the door behind us.
He joined me on the piano bench and we both just sat there quietly until finally Blake broke the silence.
“What happened to you?” he asked again quietly, angling his body more in my direction, reaching a hand to my arm gently.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
As much as I actually did want to talk about it…I couldn’t. Not until I had this figured out. I still didn’t know what was going on…well, I had a pretty good idea, but I refused to believe it. It was too crazy, too horrible, for me to even think about it and keep my sanity.
Blake was silent for a moment before he sighed. “Okay,” he said, and I looked at him again as he put his fingers to the keys.
“We can try doing 'Slipped Away',” he said quietly.
I nodded slowly and he started to play the slow, sad opening to the song.
“I miss you,” I sang, “Miss you so bad. I don’t forget you. Oh, it’s so sad. I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly…”
