Rebel Yell

Chapter 50:

Thinking back to the day where us Mercer's finally got our revenge against Victor Sweet and Detective Fowler. Angel was dealing with Fowler while Jeremiah was with Victor Sweet's goons and Victor while I dropped Bobby off to deal with Victor... in which he did. However, the Mercer's think I left to spend time with my Dad and my sisters... when in reality I'm here in Boston.

But before I made my way to the airport while Bobby, Jerry and Angel were in questioning at the police station... I made a stop somewhere...

"Hi Jackie..." I whispered as I stood in front of Jack's grave, staring at his headstone.

I took a deep breathe as I paused to stare up at the sky. Though it was winter, the sun was trying to break through the clouds. It was cold out today, but not brutal cold like it usually is. Sweater weather, however, I wore my jacket. Slowly, I exhaled and stared back at Jack's headstone, trying not to break down even though it was clear that it was going to happen at any given moment.

My heart felt heavy, my palms were sweaty, my body felt lifeless and I was having a hard time focusing on not collapsing to my knees. I had so much to say but it was like no words were able to come out. It felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach and ripped my heart out right in front of me. There was a hole in my heart that will never be filled again. This was all so surreal that it almost felt like I was trapped inside of a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. If THIS is something everyone has to face every so often in life then I don't think I want to be here for much longer. I'd rather be in hell as hell sounds like paradise compared to whatever this is right now. Jack is dead. I am dead... inside that is.

I sniffled as I choked back tears, "Sofie texted me... we got those bastards, Jack. Your brothers got them. They're at the police station right now.." I started, sniffling again and wiping away a single tear that found it's way out of my eye and down my cheek.

"I'm leaving again...." I started, staring down at the ground.

"-I'm going back to Boston. I don't know what I'm doing to be honest. I wan't to know why. Why would he do this? Why did it have to be you? Why..." I trailed off, shaking as I started to sob uncontrollably.

"I know... for awhile there you must have felt that I didn't love you and that the reason I left in the first place was because I fell out of love with you after we lost the baby. I want you to know that you were wrong..." I started, stopping to bury my face in my hands as I sobbed harder than I was before.

"I never stopped loving you Jack. Never. I wasn't running from you.. or running from the fact that we had just lost our unborn child... in fact, I was running from myself." I explained.

"Truth is... I'm not a good person. I'm not any of the good things you thought I was. I'm a horrible person. You were what made me a good person... you were what brought good in my life all together." I continued.

"Oh god... I miss you so fucking much Jack... so fucking much." I bawled.

"Why did this happen to you...why?!"... WHY?!" I cried out in a growl.

The thing is, even though I moved too Boston and met and fell in love with Billy - which I really did in fact love Billy... I always loved Jack, too. Is that fucked up? Probably. I'm a fucked up person... my world is completely upside down right now. Like Kenny Chesney sings in his song, 'Somewhere with you'... I can go out any night of the week, go home with anybody that I meet... but it's just a temporary high because when I close my eyes.. I'm somewhere with you.

"There's nothing that I wouldn't give just so I could have the chance to tell you all the things I wish I would have told you when you were here that you needed to hear. Like how much I adored you and how much I loved... how much I still love you and how I always will love you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me Jack Mercer and I took you for granted and I am so fucking sorry. I would give anything to have you here right now. I would give my life if that would mean that you could experience the life that you truly deserved. I love you Jack... so fucking much." I managed to say in between sobs.