Journey To Rabbit Hole

Part 18 ( Gale !)

Beam's POV

Suvarnabhumi Airport

I sat at the waiting place, i arrived earlier at the airport. Barely 7 am in the morning. My flight will depart 8.20 am.

I sip my coffee, tried not think so much...tried to divert what is going on in my brain.

As if it will...

My mind is still full with too many thought.

I felt guilty, which i should. How many time that i need to apologize for something that i should have told him from the beginning? It is suffocated me.

How long, how far i am gonna lie to him ?. I keep making a lie after lie. He keep trusted me. I ask myself this question every time, hours and minutes. I feeds him with a lie, not a sweet one but the worse kind of lie. I felt dirty. I felt cheaps. I am liar.

Am i worthy?

To have boyfriend like me whose worked as maleescort because in need. I am the cheater...even if i am not. It still called cheater when i met with another man behind his back.

Somebody save me. But that would only me, can save myself.

I am too far from perfect. Not even can score 2 per 10. But he told me i am perfect.

I am not proud of that. My heart is ache, it is bleeding. I hurted myself when i fought with my inner self.

I keep asking myself...

Did my dream is worth to fight for?

Did education is really matters?

Did i must be a Doctor?

I gambling with my pride for my dream, did i still have that so called dignity?

One thing was right... i am selfish. Only think of myself.

I wake up early in the morning, often i pretended that i am were still in sleep when Forth woke up.

Watched his sleeping face, he look so good, handsome even when his faces swollen when we eat ramen late of night after  sometime. Which we did.

His calmed faces, as like he told me everything gonna be fine, it gonna be alright... he promised me that. He promise more and more but i make it stained. The love is tainted. I have bad feeling lately.

God be my guide...

Do i deserved him ?... i am broken.

Will my friend would still can accept me?... i am not that clean. They said so.

Give me a strength, i only need few more time for me to be strong enough...to tell him everything.

I can only sighed.

Someone taps my back, make me turn around and look at the person that careful walked and take a sit beside me.

Did he know me? A man with clean cut, sharp jaw, round eyes, thick eyebrows. He is handsome and he give me that chilled vibe. He smile at me widely like he we had meet before.

No. Yeah No. I did not know him.

Yet it make me pondering and thinking.

Should i ask? My client? Perhaps. I think. That could be him. I looked back at him that sit already beside me.

Shit! He still smile on me...more like focus on me.

I smile back at him, tried to be more polite. I still can't utter a words. Well i am worst when someone stranger smile at me as he know me to well. Make me think harder if likely we had met at somewhere.