Hopeful and Hopeless

Nineteen.

"Oh, I just wish someone would try to hurt you so I could kill them for you." - Frank Sinatra

Thursday, April 12th, 2018

Emilie

CONFUSION IS THE WORST. Not being able to grab onto what you're feeling. Maybe its just an absence of feeling, or maybe I'm feeling multiple things. If that's even possible. It is a familiar feeling though.

When my parents died, I had no idea how to feel and I had no one to help guide me through how I was feeling. I wanted to ball up and cry and grieve for them. But I also wanted to stop crying and move on, for Tilly's sake.

But now, right after walking away from Lukas, from all of what we had, is just as bad. I know he's close to me, so close but I have to stop myself from running to him. When my parents left, that was it, they were gone. Lukas is here, but not here with me.

Something in me wanted him to chase after me the other night. For us to have some cheesy romantic moment where he would come up to me, apologise for his Father and tell me that he wanted me, just me for the rest of his life. But he didn't.

And I know that I walked away from him, I'm the one to blame. This is what needed to be done. At least I think it is. Maybe it isn't, but its done now.

Grasping onto the handles of my shopping cart, I push it through the car park. I hardly ever get to drive anymore considering the cafe is right next door to where I live and the University is up the road. That's where I always go nowadays anyway. Besides the supermarket, where I am now. I like going to the supermarket that is just out of town because I don't see anyone I know there, and its an excuse to drive.

"Emilie!" A voice wakes me up from my daze and I snap my head up, looking around to see who called out to me. Standing there, right in front of a shiny new car is Eleanor, grinning from ear to ear. Just the sight of her warm smile makes a few tears well up in my eyes.

"Oh, Eleanor. Hi!" I let out an awkward chuckle, realising that my car is parked right next to hers. A sudden wave of embarrassment flushes over me as the sight of my little old Mazda next to her gorgeous Mercedes. Such different people. She looks different, her face seems tighter and she exudes stress, unlike her usual laidback demeanour.

"Oh, it is just so good to see you, you have no idea." She gushes as I unlock my car, opening up the trunk to load all my groceries into the car. She mimics my actions and begins to put all of her groceries into hers. The way she talks to me sounds desperate and tired, very different from her usual bubbly tone.

"Really?" I ask, genuinely confused. Mr Berkeley is a dictator and this whole time I thought that Eleanor felt the same way as him and was just being nice out of pity. Maybe she still is, I don't know yet.

"Yes! I didn't get to say goodbye to you on Friday night, you really missed out on a hell of a show." She lets out a fake chuckle. I tilt my head, loading the last bag into the car, shutting the back door. The shopping cart bay is next to my car and I swiftly put it away.

"What do you mean?" I lean on my car, curious as to what she means about 'missing out on a show'. Does she know about why I left? I hope not. The last thing I would ever want to do is get between their family.

She frowns, her forehead wrinkling as she thinks. Its weird to say, but I don't think I've ever seen her forehead wrinkle before, "Do you want to come to sit in the car?" She gestures to the shiny black mass next to her and I reluctantly nod, locking my car before climbing into the passenger seat of her Mercedes.