Hopeful and Hopeless

Twenty.

"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Saturday, April 14th, 2018

AFTER NEARLY PULLING OUT OF COOKING for the gala, I sat myself down and told myself that I wouldn't. It really isn't in my nature to quit, despite uncomfortable circumstances.

With only one week until the big day, I am preparing pies like an Olympian on steroids. I like to think that I kind of am an Olympian when it comes to baking, the kind that doesn't take steroids of course.

They're the real winners.

It has been 8 days since I last saw Lukas - 8 confusing and terrifying days.

Confusing because I find myself at work awaiting his unexpected presence at the cafe and his corny pick-up-lines.

And terrifying that I had started relying on his presence to make my disheartening days better. To make everything better.

I can't remember the exact moment I realised how much Lukas meant to me. But somewhere, sometime it happened. And I'm sort of kicking myself that it did. Everyone leaves at one point, I have always told myself that. But somehow I wrapped my head around the fact that maybe he wouldn't leave.

He didn't technically leave, I did. For a good reason, I think.

My hand clenched around a wooden spoon, I dig into the bowl, mixing up the ingredients for the base of my pie. Elvis' famous album 'Blue Hawaii' plays in the background to try and help motivate myself. It was one of my Mum's favourites, it is only right that I listen to it while making her pies.

Putting the dirty spoon down on the bench, I look at my surroundings, taking all of it in. The entire kitchen is covered, the sink is full of dirty dishes from cooking, the counter has ingredients and bowls sprawled all over it. God, I really wish I had a bigger kitchen, maybe one with a too dishwasher so I didn't have to hand wash everything.

Lukas likes my kitchen, which I honestly think is quite silly when comparing it to his. I did enjoy seeing him in here making that soup for me when I was sick though, its one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

I can't help but wonder what he's doing now. He has most likely just gone back to his daily life. I wonder if he has thought about me? Probably not.

I have been holding onto the thin thread of hope that he would come back, show up unexpectedly just as he normally does. Yet, here I am. Standing alone in my kitchen, feeling sorry for myself.

No one really knows me. No one knows what is going on in my head because I avoid addressing it. If I ever told someone that I feel lonely, it would become even more real. Even more true in a way.

Loneliness is something that I have felt since my parents went. I've had my sister, who has made me feel like I'm not alone at certain times but its hard. I don't want to tell her that I still have nightmares about that night. Or that I'm hurting. I'm the older sister, I'm supposed to help her with stuff, not the other way around.

Willa isn't an option to talk to about this stuff either. She is always happy and smiling and energetic. And she has Julian, she has someone so she couldn't understand how I feel.

But something about Lukas made me feel like I wasn't alone. Whenever he was around, I felt like it was just the two of us and I didn't have to remember what it was like when I was alone tucking myself into bed at night. He was there, and that made everything better.