Unexpected Love [Completed]

Chapter 8: Screw up

I screwed up big time. I feel horrible. Not embarrassed, just guilty.

Nandini decided she wanted to talk to Avi, and called out his name as we all walked out of gym. He turned to her but when he saw the two of us laughing he walked away.

You see, Nandini was trying to prove I had talent and I said I didn't. She wanted to ask him if I sang well, because he was the only person who'd ever heard me. I laughed thinking she wouldn't actually say anything to him.

But she did. And of course, he thought we were laughing at him rather than trying to talk to him. And me being the idiot I am, forgot that he was shy and extremely respectful as Shona likes to put it. He doesn't talk to people he doesnt know. He doesn't flirt or do the tings I do. He's the type of kid any Hindu parent would want.

So I feel stupid realizing this a day later.

Yesterday I was so mad thinking he'd dubbed Nandini and because he didn't want to have a genuine conversation with me. But maybe he'd interpreted the entire situation differently than I'd wanted him to.

God, I'm dumb.

SO then today he and Vijay decided that they wanted to talk to each other, and ignore me. They ganged up on ignoring me. I feel almost betrayed. But it's ok. I'll fix this. I have to.

I told Shona what happened. She said the best thing to do is start over. Wait until we go back to mandir to talk to him, then if the opportunity arises say hi at school. I not don't stress it

But the fact that I was doing so well, and all of a sudden I screwed it up, makes me angry. What if he thinks I hate him? What if he thinks I tell my friends bad things about him?

What if he knows I like him?

Ugh these questions keep interrupting my life. How do I show him I respect him, I admire him, I feel this deep unknown emotion for him.

I've liked guys before but I don't respect them or admire them the way I do him. Avi represents everything I've ever believed in. He understands how strong you can be because you have faith. He understands the meaning of family. The meaning of sanskar and dharma. He understands me if I say something like sat chit Anand.

He knows the music I love. He sings the music I do. He has the same values I do. Unlike with James, I wouldn't ever have to sit and explain the dynamics of dharma and my family. I don't have to call Shona my aunt. I can say her name because Avi knows who she is. I wouldn't have to pretend that I don't know him if my parents are around. My parents know him and love him.

It takes a lot to impress my mom. And he does.

My dad rarely compares someone to himself positively, but he has with Avi. And if you haven't already guessed, my dad is my everything.

The deep affection I feel for my mandir, for my dharma, for my culture, can all be transformed into a love for Avi because he is all of those things. He represents it all.

Better yet, he understand it without me having to explain it.

He probably knows it better than me.

When my friends say so many incorrect things about HIndu dharma, about how women are supposed to sacrifice themselves when their husbands die (which isn't true because it was an adaptation to the invaders who took hindu women as their slaves. Women didn't want their virtue ripped from them so they performed sati. Sati Ma left her body and returned to Brahman because her father and Lord Shiva were disputing and she didn't like how her father was insulting Lord Shiva. Theres' more to the story but I won't bore you guys.)

Anyways, when these people all insult Hinduism, and I need someone to rant to , I could to him. But we don't talk, we aren't close, so it can't happen. And in those moments when someone like him could be the only person who won't make me feel alone, isn't by your side it sucks. Especially when the reason we aren't close is because I ignored him and then screwed up our budding friendship.