Unexpected Love [Completed]

Chapter 18: I live for me

Christmas break.....

A time to spend with family. I spent everyday with my family. Every day of my break. I mean of course at night, I texted Damon. But still.

They believed in me. My uncle, my guru (also known as my godfather) told me, "Stay focused. You're headed to excellence. Make us proud."

It hurt my heart because I automatically thought of Damon. And he wasn't who I was. Being with him in this way especially wasn't who I was. I was finally getting on track. I was finally becoming me. And I let myself go. Again.

I couldn't let this be another James. I couldn't.

I wanted to be happy and free. No more secrets. No more fear. Pure happiness. And staying close to my parents' values kept me free of guilt, free of constant terror that my secret would be out because I didn't have any. Was I really where I wanted to be? No. I wanted excitement and passion, like any other teen.

I wanted a guy to sweep me off my feet. And for some reason Avi wasn't in my head anymore.

Somehow, Raj popped up. You know, the boy who I loved for two years while being friends with his brother Prem.

Yea, that guy.

For some reason he was in my dreams, in my thoughts.

I wanted something real. I couldn't start a new year in a friends-with-benefits relationship. New Year's Eve, I texted Damon.

M- hey

D- hey

M- I need to cancel

D- y

M- I need to stay true to myself. to my heart

D- it was fun while it lasted

M- ik but life has other plan for me

D- its ai. I'm good

And his reaction was enough for me to know I'd made the right decision. He didn't care enough. He didn't fucking care. And I knew that every day that passed, it'd hurt a little but more. Because I'd start reading into things. I'd start thinking he was mine to love. But I was wrong. I would always be wrong. Because he'd never like me. He'd never think I was enough. I was just a side.

And no matter how much I tried, that's all he'd ever see in me.

New Year's confession:

I want to live for me. I want to be me. I want to fall for someone just because. I don't want circumstances to impact it. I spent so much time coping. I needed a way to escape my problems, to distract myself, to keep myself going. So I used the one thing that overpowered everything else: Love. Falling for someone, and all of the drama accompanying it became my comfort. But I don't want that anymore. I've finally healed. I've learned that there's good and bad in life. There will always be better times and worse times. We just need to pull through. Bhagwan will help me along the way. I don't need to like Avi just because everyone seems to think he's right for me. Just because he's the perfect situation. No, I will like who my heart chooses simply because that person's heart speaks to mine.

This sounds crazy. I spent so long on him, professing deep love for him. I admire him and respect him deeply. I always will. And I do love him. But he doesn't invoke those heart thumping mind-numbing feelings. I feel warm and secure and less lonely but when I need a husband to support me, I'll go after him. I just want a guy to hold me and kiss me and say, "damn I like you a lot."

I don't think I want an epic love. I want something crazy and fun. I want something that touches me deep in my core, but still keeps me on my toes. I want something consuming. Something fiery.

Elena and Damon?

My goal for life

Elena and Stefan?

My back-up goal for life

Maybe this is the right thing to do. Everyone tells me Damon will only hurt me. And I know they're right. I'll read scenarios that were simply what they were. Normal actions will seem special.

I don't need heartbreak in the new year.

I'm doing the right thing.

So why do I feel broken inside? Why do I feel so unhappy?

This is the right thing?