Unexpected Love [Completed]

Chapter 10: More to it

All my life, I've always felt like an outsider. There's this way that I live and feel that seems so different from everyone else. There's no way to truly explain it. I just see things differently. I break down my problems and look at them in a logical way. but I factor in my emotions into the problem. I don't know how it works or if anyone else is like me, but that's just the way I see things. And my friends go crazy over all their problems and I just sit quietly listening, thinking there are so many different solutions to this problem.

Of course, my insight in a sense matured as I did. But I feel like age doesn't have much to do with it. It's more of the experiences and things that I've seen. And more or less, simply the way I am.

I've never been too troubled because I have my strength, and I have this internal calmness that rarely breaks. I know, James and all of that didn't seem like maturity. But there's more to my story than just these words. I try but these words seem like a cage to the truth, the emotion, the true being of what happens. I guess that's why I love reading so much. I try to see how writers manage to capture an entire life and put it down in words and do it justice.

I've always just wanted to find someone who shares the way I feel. The way I feel so unshakeable yet alone. The passions and beliefs I share.

And I keep thinking Avi is that one.

But Prem's birthday was recently. DO you remember him? The boy who I befriended, and ended up finding a kindred soul, someone who seemed like he was my other half, my best friend. The boy who I thought would always be with me, but ended up hurting me countless times. Though I always went back to him.

The boy I confessed my feelings for and got rejected.

I texted him for the first time in exactly three months a few days ago. And he responded almost immediately. I barely said a word. He told me how he was studying, drowning under all the AP courses he was in. He was nervous about the SATs. His mom was understanding that his average wasn't as good as he wanted it to be. He kept telling me about his life.

Usually, I'd initiate the conversation, and I'd tell him about me. But I had been right those months ago. We had truly become so close. I remember our conversations about me being his favorite person. About us being close.

He had missed me these past months. but he didn't find it in himself to approach me. I understand why. I said I needed to get over this and then we'd be ok. He was busy. I get it.

But I hadn't realized how much I'd missed him. And no, those feelings weren't back. I wasn't crushing on him.

I'd simply missed the boy who shared this strange bond with me. A bond I wanted to both embrace and run from. When we talked, it felt like taking a drink of water after running a marathon. It felt like the empty half of me that I'd felt had been brutally ripped away replaced.

Yes, Avi represented everything I loved, respect and faith in dharma, love and devotion for mandir, appreciation for family. Yes, he was more than perfect.

But...

The way I felt about Prem never matched how I felt for anyone.

You could categorize Avi or any of the other guys I've liked:

the boys I thought were cute

the boy who I liked but got over the toxic crushes that I never wanted to speak about (Chris)the good-feel comfortable guys I loved (James and Avi)

But Prem didn't belong in any of those categories.

He wasn't the cutest guy. He wasn't the nicest guy. He wasn't always the most honest guy. This connection...

How do I explain it?

Ok think of it like this.

Imagine a complete being. Imagine that being ripped into two and sent far away from each other. Imagine never knowing that you had been ripped away from your other half. Now imagine that you find your other half, thinking this was just someone who would be friends with. Imagine feeling complete with this person. But now you get scared because you've never felt this way. Anxiety, fear, and so many powerful emotions you can't name overtake you. And you think your other half doesn't feel it.

The way Prem and I are, are kind of like that.

I love him. I always will. And some people think I'm in love. Some people think he's just another toxic part of my life. But no matter how I feel, I will always go back to him. And I pray everyday, that maybe just maybe, he feels the same way.

Sometimes I see he feels the same way. That smile so long ago, the relief he felt in seeing me after so long.

This emotion I feel when I talk to him, or when I see him, is so foreign to me.

But we are so fucking similar it shakes my core sometimes.

I know over the last few months I forgot him. But I realize now, that I never did. I'd comment about hearing the name of his school, or smile when I heard someone with his name. I still made the effort to acknowledge his grandmother at mandir. I still remembered his birthday. Hell, my entire room was a low-key Cinderella theme, just like my nickname for him.

It's like whenever I get near him again I get consumed. God, I sound like Elena Gilbert. But I doubt he's my Damon. Because if he was...there wouldn't have been a James or an Avi, right?

Right?