it's her.

the past is a teacher.

what happened to me?

first.
this was my summer

sitting in a train,
watching your face
passing by

the sun is shining,
but I've got a creative mind
it's all-time
raining in my head

reading advertisements,
following instructions
this is how to live
being social world wide, while standing alone,
staring into nothing but the phone

it's not ringing

I'm missing you
I'm - missing - you
I am.
missing.
you.

who am I when you're not around?
I'm just missing

sitting in a chair
watching the thoughtful face of my therapist
she's looking at the clock
"how do you feel today?"
I'm drawing an empty glass of water

I'm missing,
messing it up,
empty bottles,
cause I just couldn't stop
thinking
about you

life never felt
so impossible to handle

second.
what feels a lifetime ago

I'm sitting in a train
watching childhood memories
driving by
I'm looking at the empty place
right next to me
knowing that you will fill it someday

it's not about an emptiness
it's about a story that wears your name
it's a friend I secretly loved for years,
a woman I never failed to trust
it's about someone
I still like to call arielle

it's about being sixteen and feeling like this is the dead end
it's about
kissing this girl
and feeling a million fireworks around,
promising each other to never forget what once was,
knowing that we'll never be,
still loving
as if we couldn't see
what's already ringing at the door

I wanted to write about her
from day to night time
I always wanted to show her
what a mirror failed to do
now I know
that it doesn't need someone else
she never needed anyone
she's too strong,
she always was
especially while feeling weak

and I know
she's that type of a friend
God sent me to
understand
that there's always someone around
she's what I'd call
my very best ally
God sent her
to personally kick my ass
and that was when
life shifted into a new kind of bright

third.
what makes me feel torn

then again
life wasn't ever that hard to live

cause locking up the room
didn't help anymore
and losing my own voice
couldn't give me silence
it was the horror of my life
it was the one time
I really lost my faith
it was alcohol
all around the kitchen floor
it was smoke sticking on the wall
it was
shuttered glasses on the carpet
and my dad snoring with blood on his face

I know I never told her what he really did those nights
I just talk about
losing sleep and arguing
never talked about the bruises
never told her
what he really used to shut me down

never wanted to release
what any of them did
that was me as a child
that was a point I lost believe in life

it's still hard
but
against all of my believes
this wasn't meant to be the end

fourth.
what I know now

I am a proud,
pale-skinned,
poetic-minded,
whole-hearted,
lesbian woman

I am
what I call a warrior
I am
someone I look up to
I am
not missing at all

I know I am failing
I still get new scars from
playing my own enemie,
but I never felt so
befriended with myself
until now
I never knew how essentially important it is
to use your fucking voice
and say what you need to say,
scream what you need to scream,
cause there is no one out there
who's got the right to keep you shut

you are your own master
you are your own key
you are your tool
to reach everything you want

what I know now is
that it's not easy,
that it's not fair
that sometimes
you are the only reason
that keeps you from being truthfully happy
I know now that
the past is a teacher
and I just have to be
some kind of a student

I am

and that's the greatest thing that ever happened to me