it's her.

senseless.

it's been weeks since I met her on the couch and talked about everything that's going on inside my head
it's been weeks since I really talked to my best friend
it's been weeks since I got the chance to see through all of these clouds

pointless

so
I watch the people around me
so weary, so tired
I watch the sky and
it's closed, undesired
that's how I feel too

the things we see are quite the same we actually want to believe
it's easier than to confront yourself with the ugly truth
what's your ugly truth?

a friend called me
needed me
cause a boy she met at vacation killed himself that morning
a friend texted me
needed anyone
cause life doesn't seem to give her what she wants
and
this girl took my hands
and grimaced a smile
cause drugs do that to you
and
I guess
my smile looks quite the same right now

people ask
if I'm okay
I hear my father say
that non of them really wants to know
do they want to know?
does anyone know me?
do you know yourself?

futile

it's too late at night again
cause I sleep half of the day
I couldn't eat, now it's the other way around
and I feel like I could vomit everything out
spit it
throw it up
erupt out of myself

then again
the thoughts won't stop
and I try to make sense of myself while writing
but reading what I wrote makes me realize that I can't tell what my mind is talking about

purposeless

I make music
for hours
I sing
until my voice breaks
I play until my hand shakes
and
collapse into myself

what should I do?
I am not ready to fall asleep
I am not ready for anything
but
I have to be okay
I have to feel better
I have to stop thinking about the bad things
especially when I don't have an adequate reason to hurt myself again
especially
cause I know there is no adequate reason,
but who cares?

it's been weeks
since someone really cared
or is it just me?
is it just what I want to believe?

I'm sorry, but
being senseless
just makes sense to me