Meredith's Thoughts Volume 3

back to it

I try and picture myself with someone else,
Holding hands n stuff ya know.
I can't picture a perfect guy like I don't know why.
When it's a blonde guy I can't see a face,
And when they're brunette all I can picture is Michael.
Like it's just weird.
I don't understood why he had to leave me.
Why couldn't he just say hey we need to talk.
Why'd he let it get so bad.
Instead of talking he just made me feel worthless and like he didn't care anymore.
Man it was all so good.
Then September came around and it crumbled.
I watched it crumble.
He never seemed to have time to talk regularly,
Why would he have time to talk about something serious.
I guess I just thought it would get better until t was too late to ask to talk and I was watching my hands reply to his break up text.
Got two crossed off the list I guess;
Ghosting and over text.
I was always unsure if I loved him in those beginning times.
He was so sure of it.
But I was so scared.
I was scared that if I said it it would somehow jinx it.
I said it, because I knew I didn't not love him.
Then I loved him.
Then I was confused.
Then I loved him.
Then I was overwhelmed.
Then I loved him.
For certain.
He accepted me.
I loved him I loved his eyes the way he always looked at me the way he'd always try and fix his hair the way he talked to me about things he didn't talk about with his friends the way he actually told his parents about me the way he—
Fuck it!
Meredith it doesn't fucking matter anymore how much you love everything about him.
Everyone knows that.
But like honestly???
HONESTLY MICHAEL I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT WENT WRONG I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU LET YOURSELF DRIFT AFTER ALWAYS HUGGING ME SO TIGHTLY EVERY CHANCE YOU GOT. YOU WANTED SO BAD FOR ME TO LOVE YOU AND TELL YOU THE TRUTH AND NOW GUESS WHAT??? I LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE AND IVE BEEN GIVING YOU THE TRUTH WITH EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF MY MOUTH AND THEN YOU LEAVE ME. YOU DECIDE YOU THINK YOURE HURTING ME TOO MUCH AND LEAVE ?? IF YOU LOVED ME YOUD WANT TO BE WITH ME. YEAH I WAS UNHAPPY BUT IF I TRULY THOUGHT WED JEVER GET THROUGH IT THE BREAKUP WOULD HAVE BEEN MUTUAL. SO NOW YOU HAVE IT. YOUVE GOT A GIRL WHO LOVES EVERY CELL IN YOUR BODY AND WOULD RIP HER HEART OUT OF HER OWN CHEST TO HUG YOU AGAIN; AND IVE GOT A GUY WHO WAS MY BEST FRIEND AND MY WHOLE HEART AND WHO I WANTED TO BE MY FUTURE AS A STRANGER WHO WALKS BY NOT ABLE TO MAKE EYE CONTACT.

And there's not a single thing I can do about it.
Or anyone.
I don't know anyone who can write better or describe my feelings better then Erika.
And it seems as if nothing she said faxed you the slightest.
Erika doesn't reach out to people just like that,
I had to be really hurting.

Only God can do anything about this at this point.
But you're angry with him and I don't even quite know why at all.

For fucks sake I didn't think I'd ever find someone who would want to hold hands with or love this depressed cryptic psychopath of a person who doesn't have any curves and isn't confident and isn't that funny and doesn't have a flat stomach and has marks all over her skin and is sensitive and indecisive and nervous.
I was right in the end;
Cause he did leave.