Meredith's Thoughts Volume 3

back2back

I don't really know what I'm doing or why I'm about to do this. I'm throwing myself under the bus because that small glimmer of hope and happiness keeps taunting me even in the dark fog and pain of real world reality. The hope that one day they smile genuinely again in happiness and not empty pride. Nobody quite understood me the way they used to, I mean, Erika but that's obvious. I know I shouldn't go back, I know that sometimes you just gotta take the hit and show you're fine and fake it til you make it. But if faking it leads to me crying every night then I don't wanna fake it anymore. Yeah I'm gonna lay it all out and be shut down like never before but at least I was able to be honest in a genuine way for once.
~~~
Matthew 18:15
"If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over."
~~~
I mean, I'm not saying I'm perfect because I am far from genuinely nice and far from consistent and far from a lot of things. There's nothing "wrong" with me but wrong in the way I do things. I like to think I'm a good person at heart but things just get the best of me. Anyways, I also wanted to say how I don't think this is the real him. I think I might've said it before. But I saw a him who was smart but still smiled and laughed and would joke around with me and he was perfect because he wasn't 24/7 romantic but he was my boyfriend and I loved him and he was just, he was my best friend. Like the boyfriend best friend kinda thing bc obviously I have a girl best friend but you get my point. I could go on and on and on and on and on. I just remember our first hug and I get sad or just today I found pictures in my snap memories I didn't know I had.
~~~
Back To December by Taylor Swift
"And if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right. I'd go back in time and change it but I can't..."
~~~
We always said how we'd find each other again even if we did break up. He said he wasn't gonna date again until after high school because he's putting a lot of faith into this. Maybe some promises just aren't meant to be kept.
Also as soon as he started going to high school he just... changed. Maybe it's because he was with his guy friends and he realized he missed messing around with them, he just didn't value me anymore. It turned him egotistical it turned him angry it turned him emotionless it turned him into a stranger that didn't love me anymore. I know i shouldn't blame the school but I'm blaming that fucking school. Again, i could go on and on and on.
I feel pretty repetitive with everything. I can't even remember what I've said to others versus what Ive said in my head to myself. It's up and down and on and off and happiness and frustration. I should take my own advice and ghost him, pull through with the plans I've made before. But I never go through with them. Because I can't pull myself away from the first guy to choose to be with me that had every right and opportunity not to. He could've never added me back, never talked to me, never did this never did that but guess what he did and then I blindly took it for granted. And to this day, I don't know why. I don't know what went through my mind when I started trying to advance things that shouldn't have been advancing in too short of an amount of time anyways. I don't know why I didn't take every moment to be with HIM instead of taking pictures of us together. I wish I had spent more time making memories than him having his hand on my leg. And I can wish all I want but nothing will change the past and my wishes won't silently seep into their conscious and inspire them but my only choices are suffering, shutting out, or taking a damn chance. And what's the point of wishing and knowing how to improve yourself if you aren't gonna take the step to get to an opportunity where you can use that new knowledge and view. What's the point in reminiscing if you don't plan to make more moments like that. Anything good is worth the risk. And if I don't take this risk then I will forever live my life with dusty photos and journals and constant "what ifs". I'm sorry future self if this backfires you into the depths and trench of reality that you never knew existed before now but;
"without your past,
you could never have arrived-
so wondrously and brutally,
By design or some violent, exquisite happenstance
...here."
And Taylor Swift tells me to let my heart remain breakable but never by the same hand twice. And my own self also told me that. So I guess lucky for you, it will be my own self that breaks my heart this time.
Alone I am a small flame, able to be perished by your cold water poured down upon me. And when I try to arrive again the spark ignites and dies, ignites and dies, ignites and dies. Until I give up and vanish from existence and lose so much hope that even when something comes along to light me up my own tears extinguish my fire. But once my tears disappear and the air drys up then my smallest spark will catch quick and shoot up like never before, uncontrollable and brighter than ever. Each drop of laughter is a drop of gas that grows my flame. Soon I will engulf the sorrow that once surrounded me and my flame will be controlled only by the balance of the rain.
It's not that I need you. It's not that I deserve you. It's not that I want you. But that I love you, and I want to love you. I loved you more than I ever showed you, ever could. I don't want to break my bones and rip my skin and claw at the rope, beating myself up to hold on. I'm gonna loosen my grip, hold on to what I hold on to. And the true test will be if you change your pace, or keep going.
~~~
We only have one life so keep it simple:
Miss somebody: call
Want to meet up: invite
Want to be understood: explain
Have questions: ask
Don't like something: speak up
Like something: share it
Want something: ask for it
Love someone: tell them.
~~~
So here we are, going out here. Out here letting hope get the best of me. If good things come to those who wait, what comes to people who take a chance?