Meredith's Thoughts Volume 3

lonely

Honestly I feel so fucking lonely. Like Erika isn't at school and I knows she's gonna be back soon but still. And things aren't the exact same anymore, I'm sure they will be soon though. And obviously I have Isabelle and she's one of my greatest best friends but she has a thing where she acts different around other people, I mean we all do that so I probably shouldn't care that much it's just a mixed signal kinda thing. Sofie doesn't really talk to me much, I mean it's not like she ignores my existence like we have health and bio n stuff of course but otherwise she's just really always with Bryan. She seems kinda unhappy to me and I'm not sure why, I just don't wanna seem annoying or something if I ask. I know she gets upset with me for saying things about Bryan and I feel bad about making her upset I just didn't know my comments came off so serious but it's my bad I prolly should've taken a step back to look at things. I'm also kinda sad bc Isabelle is taking to this new guy and like don't get me wrong I am totally happy for her it's just a strange feeling of "oh, she has a new big priority now." Idk. And then Sophia and Abby are just kinda out of the picture like idek what's even going on with them it's weird. I always have this weird scenario that plays in my head of Sophia talking to someone and saying "bitch she ain't even that pretty" then laughing. Idk. Sometimes I'm worried that they say stuff like that about me because I hear them talk about each other to me all of the time. They don't tell me stuff sometimes because I "care too much" so whatever, do whatever you want I'll stop showing I care. And Mark is constantly annoyed with us I feel like. So it kinda makes me feel really annoying. Like I'm just this annoying friend that continuously follows him around that he doesn't want around. And Zac just can never understand when I'm upset or what about and he just kinda says "okay" to everything. I don't really get along with Kaden that much. Jaden is cool, I don't have anything bad to really say about him besides politic stuff but who even gives a fuck. Then my parents seem to just always be on me about something and it's exhausting especially since they also seem to think I just play the victim and don't do anything to help the situation. Sure mom that's why I'm going to therapy, cause I'm manipulating you by playing the victim and not doing anything to help myself. And fyi stop telling me to smile and pressuring me to be happy. Thanks. Then of course there's Michael, but we all know about that. So yeah, i just feel pretty lonely. Really lonely. I also feel so like, bad about myself compared to other girls. That's why I'm kinda scared about this whole Steven slide in thing because my luck is that he doesn't like me that way or I'll be too shy to get to know him or he'll like someone else. All I feel like doing is sleeping and crying but I wish I could just do school with more ease and laugh more. I feel like I'm trying so hard and things get worse so I just kinda sit here and take it now and watch everything burn and make do with what's gonna be left. The evolution is starting soon. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.