I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excirment of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
I got stopped again last night by another policeman.
He says: 'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
I had a meal last night, I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.
And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'
I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.
I said 'Is Jim in?'.
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.
'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
