What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere
What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
Ince pies
What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump
Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music
What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea
Where do footballers dance?
At a football
What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill
What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper
What lights up a football stadium?
A football match
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes
Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla
What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post
Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter
What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire
What's tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run
What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
Jog-raphy
Who won the race between two balls of string?
They were tied
Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground
How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it
What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories
Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
A flat back four
Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled
What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
Fiver side
What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated
Ref:I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match
Why do artists never when they play football?
They keep drawing
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw
Why was the struggling manger seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty
Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in three days
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award
It's an appointment
Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time
