A... walks into a bar

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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink

here named after you." The grasshopper says, "Bob?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I

can't serve you." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun-guy."

A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!" The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street. The string thinks, "I'll show 'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago." The string answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."

Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and barkeep, pour one for yourself too." Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later, he buys another round for everyone including the bartender. He orders a third round and the barkeep says, "Sure, but please pay for the first two rounds before I pour the third." The generous guy says, "Money? I don't have any money."The bartender kicks the crap out of him and throws him into the street. A few minutes later he comes back in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. you get nasty when you're drunk."

Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender looks up and says "Where did you get that ape?" Guy says, "This isn't an ape, it's a duck". Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck".

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender figures that a kangaroo probably isn't very economically aware, and charges him $50. The marsupial orders a beer next time, and is charged $60. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him. He casually remarks, "You know, we don't get too many kangaroos in here." The kangaroo replies, "At these prices, no wonder."

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog. The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street.

A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"

A guy walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.

"How about a double instead?" asked the bartender.

"No. I'm drinking with my friend from Denver."

So the bartender gives him the two drinks. He drinks them while alternately sipping from each glass. This goes on for a few months. A couple of times a week he comes into the bar to drink with his friend from Denver. 

One day he comes in and orders only one drink.

"Did your friend from Denver die?" asked the bartender.

"No. My doctor told me to stop drinking."

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and ino Lavery's pub still in his dressing gown. He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a double Black Bush. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."

The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"

"About 50p" said the patient.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!" With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said "no".

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."

The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's this?"

The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."

A chicken walks into a bar.

The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"

The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"

Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"

"May I please have a drink?"

"What? You have to speak up!"

"Could I please have a drink?"

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"

This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bar tender finally opens the door. Bar tender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demanded a beer. The bar tender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and then proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bar tender got so frustrated that he opened the door again and kicks the snail away.

A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"

Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'

The other says 'Are you sure?'

The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

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