Alphabet ≫ Jarchie

Important (Short Hiatus)

I spend a lot of my time not being able to say the things I want to say and then this feels like the perfect safe space so as always I'm going to be honest.

I'm taking a small break from this although I don't really want to. I have so much going on right now to the point where it's so overwhelming. Sometimes I get into these really amazing productive moods but then one little thing happens and I snap....

I'll return after my college apps are in. Sometime around December. I'm really upset because I only had 6 more letters left and I thought I could do it. I was originally planning on publishing the 6 and then taking a hiatus to work on some of the part two's but I'm so sorry I have to take a break now.

If I'm not stressing over my college stuff I'm stressing over all the stuff I have to do for the school newspaper because I'm the editor in chief now. If I'm not writing for that, I'm writing these ridiculously long English essays for my AP Lit class. I try to write for wattpad and by then I'm entirely washed out of ideas and completely brain dead.

Sometimes I wonder if I even really want to write?

I've always had doubts about how good of a writer I am. I've kind of been pushed into journalism without much of a say in it, if I'm being completely honest. I'm not a 100% sure I want to do it but I'm being pressured to pick an major so I'm just jotting that down and going through the motions...

Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I was more invested in other things, like maybe if I pursued music more. I dropped out of chorus in 9th grade because my grades were suffering from missing class so much. I begged my parents for singing lessons instead and all that did was cause arguments over how expensive they were... my mom cancelled my lessons one day after telling me I was bad at singing and then she threw away my keyboard.

Whenever my mom mentions anything with me and music I grow tense. She's never said I was a good singer but today she told me I was talented after telling me that "I'm not a natural born singer" which I feel like is kinda weird to say since all singers are natural born singers. I don't think it's something you learn I think it's something you have that you can strengthen. But that's besides the point.

When I actually wanted to take music seriously she didn't want to support me. She threw out my keyboard instead. And then she blames me for not pursuing it when she kind of just straight up told me I sucked and then acts surprised when I don't want to sing for her or I don't want to do much.

I find myself wondering what I would be doing right now if things ended up differently.

I kind of just wish there were signs, you know? You don't realize how much small decisions affect you until you look back and I'm way too young to be having regrets.

Another thing that just sucks to me to add onto the music thing is that my best friend has always avoided telling me I was good at singing even when I called her out and specifically asked if I was good. She still avoids the question which should make me assume that I'm bad. This has been going on for several years now. I want to say at least 7. I kinda just... I feel like I get tons of compliments on my voice but I don't trust those opinions. I trust my parents and my best friend even though I'm starting to learn that maybe I shouldn't trust her...

I don't know so that's what's going on with my life. I told myself I was going to do college stuff today but I went through this existential crisis and chest started to hurt. I can't focus on anything, and thinking about my future scares me. I just hope all works out in the end.

But yeah thanks guys if you actually read all of that. I'll see you soon :)

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