Green and Blue | boyxboy

One is fine, one is not

Jason's POV

Yesterday I came to many realizations. One of them was that some part of me actually wanted to try something with Frank, but the other part was too afraid to do so. I would try to be brave enough to ask. What have I got to lose anyway? Well... a friend.

I won't overthink it though, because I do an amazing job at sabotaging myself. I already made up my mind. But... I can't do it right now. I'm not mentally prepared. I will wait until Friday. I will apologize for what I said and make amends because in the end, maybe I'm not gay or he doesn't want a... relationship... with me, but I cannot lose him as a friend. It's amazing how close we grew in such a short amount of time. I guess we both needed each other's company.

Frank's POV

It's only Tuesday and my anxiety levels are way higher than yesterday. I need to do something about this. I can't concentrate. I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see his deep blue eyes staring at mine, for hours. I feel his lips moving slowly on mine. And it is unsettling. I don't even know how it's possible that something that caused me so much desire a day ago, now causes me uneasiness. Probably because now I only think about how much Jason hates me and I am only feeding on a memory that obviously repulses him. I can't do that to him. I regret thinking about him every minute of my day. I failed him. He was beginning to trust me just like a real best friend and I betrayed him by doing what he definitely regrets the most, kissing me.

I have to apologize as soon as I possibly can. But then I think about how I will be invading his space and wasting his time and... I can't do that to him. I'm not worthy of any of those things. Even less of being his friend. How did the thought of him actually loving me back even cross my mind at some point? Of course, it would never happen.

I will apologize. Not today, but soon.

Jason's POV

At lunch today I actually considered sitting at our table, but I am sure I would do something wrong or freak out, so I decided not to.

I sat at the same old table I sat on yesterday, and soon enough, Kia joined me.

We were talking about the book her English teacher was making her read. Not once did she mentioned yesterday's topic, and I was grateful.

A few minutes passed and Ryan came to the table, Kia looked at me as if she expected me to say something, so I just nodded and signaled Ryan to sit. He took the seat beside Kia and started to listen to Kia's exasperated rant about the novel.

"It's too thick!" Kia said, and as if it had been automatic, Ryan answered,

"That's what she said," I laughed very loudly.

"Ew, why am I not surprised," Kia said, trying to hide the smile behind her full lips.

"Hey, guys! Whatcha talking about?" Ellie joined us, taking the seat on my right.

"Kia's thick book,"

"Kia how many times do we have to tell you to use adjectives less... sexual?" Ellie said giggling.

"Adjectives are adjectives! You are the ones who make them sexual!" Kia said almost too loud, the table beside us shot us some weird looks.

"Until you stop using those adjectives for everything, I won't stop saying that's what she said jokes," Ryan warned, still laughing.

Frank's POV

I could see them laughing from where I was sitting. I don't think any of them noticed I was missing. Took them long enough to forget about me. People always leave, it was about time they left me too.

I ate alone. I have done it before, so it's not a big deal. I just... I feel stupid, but I actually thought Jason was going to realize I wasn't there. But some part of me knew he wouldn't. And again, that part of me was right.

Why did I even bother to make friends if I already knew they would leave me again. Probably because I thought this time it would be different. But it isn't. I'm just the boy at the typical sad story that sits alone at lunch and has no friends left. I'm not victimizing myself, I'm merely stating facts.

Now I have to apologize, not because I need him as a friend, but because I bothered, hurt, and betrayed his trust. I owe him an apology for everything I have done so far. Even for being his friend.