Please Don't Leave Me

Chapter 18

Dean POV

It had been a few days since the incident, and things had been quiet for a while. But sitting where he was at the moment, the dinner table, made Dean feel nervous. It had nothing to do with the looks or smell of the food, just the fact he did not want to eat. He felt as though he had not done anything to deserve the luxury of eating. He had done nothing to deserve to at the food that was sitting in front of him. In any other circumstance, Dean would most definitely jump at any opportunity to eat, but at the moment it was like someone else was controlling him. He stared at the food that was sitting in front of him as if it was an unknown object. The thought of putting anything in his mouth made him want to throw up. 

He looks up to see Bobby staring at him expectantly. He normally would do whatever it took to keep those around him happy, but at the moment, he didn't think it was much of an option. Looking back down at the food on his plate made him feel worse. The sick feeling traveled up from his stomach into his throat and made his head hurt. He tried to focus on anything else in the world to help distract himself. He was not sure where this feeling was coming from, but he was sure he did not enjoy it. Slowly, he reached for his fork after convincing himself that it would get better if he just put the food in his mouth. Dean felt like he was making a big deal over something so small, but at the same time, he felt he had a good reason to act this way. Life had not been easy on him, meaning eating regularly had not happened in a long time. 

Sighing, he grabbed the fork. He wanted to get better. That was something that had occurred to him in the last few days. It had really hit him one day when he was watching Sam and Gabriel do their homework. The two were in the same classes so they tended to help each other with the material. They were talking to each other, as well as themselves, just thinking out loud, not worrying about what was happening around them. Dean wanted to feel that. That kind of carelessness. He didn't want to tense up at any small sound that happened around him. He wanted to trust others more than he did. Sure, he had Castiel, but at the same time, he didn't. He trusted, but he didn't. And to think he said Cas contradicted himself when he had first seen the boy sitting in his chair at school. 

Now, with the fork in hand, Dean felt doubt creep into his system. He decided he would ignore it. Doubt was something he felt too much throughout his life, and it was something he didn't want to feel anymore. So, right then, he decided he was going to chose to ignore it. Looking down at his plate, he looked at his options. For now, he knew he couldn't finish everything, he would pick one thing and finish it. Green beans, Steak, mashed potatoes. Choices, choices, choices. Dean kept repeating the mantra of words over and over his head. To anyone else, it seemed like such an easy decision, but for him, it was huge. This was the beginning of a long road. Green beans. That was his decision. It seemed to be the lightest option on his plate. Disregarding the sinking feeling he had in his stomach, he ate the green beans. 

Once he finished them, he felt so accomplished. Smiling to himself, he tuned back into the conversation that had taken place while he was having his inner struggle. He was not sure what was happening, but he was just happy to feel apart of something. He looked over at Castiel and was met with blue sparkling eyes. He knew it was not often that Castiel showed much emotion, something he discovered in the last few days. So, seeing the twinkle in his eyes made Dean feel so much better than the fact that he had eaten something without someone having to force him. To have someone proud of him, especially the blue-eyed boy, make Dean feel all warm inside. 

Taking a deep, he looked around the table again and was happy. He felt like it was all going to be okay. It may not be tomorrow, or the day after, or hell, even in a year, but he had a feeling it would all work out. He just hoped he could hold onto that feeling when things got hard because he also had a feeling that things were getting ready to get really hard.

Thank you for reading. It is short, but I feel bad for not updating for so long. I will try to update more often. School, sports, and working out took up a lot of time, but with a break finally here, I will have more time and will attempt to post more often. 

Serious question: I have eight chapters done in another book I am writing, would y'all like me to post them?