Please Don't Leave Me

Chapter 19

Cas POV

Castiel liked to watch things from an outside view while knowing the inside details. That is when he was not involved in what was happening. It was better in his point of view to not be apart of it all. Being on the outside meant less stress as well as less pain of dealing with someone else's emotional baggage when he couldn't even handle his own. It also meant that he wouldn't have to open up his feelings. He could keep it all to himself without being a burden on anyone else. He hated feeling like he was a problem. He was in his last home and he didn't want that feeling to be carried over. Just to start over. 

It had worked out in the beginning. Out of that house, he felt lighter and just all around better. This euphoric feeling did not last long though. Memories of the past always seemed to catch up to him no matter how fast he ran. He tried new hobbies, reading more books, and even losing himself in school work, but nothing ever worked. The same weighted feeling would always find him. He couldn't help but notice it got heavier each time. It started light and something he could brush off, but now it felt like a freight train sitting on his shoulders and crushing his frame. The sadness that came with it had a similar effect. There were days where he felt fine. Like things could get better. Then other days the hopeless feeling would take over, suffocating any optimism he had gained. The happier days were becoming fewer as time went on too making him colder. He just wanted it to go away.

Then he had met Dean. The two of them seemed to hit it off pretty well from the start. Castiel knew from the first time he saw the rugged kid that his home life was not good. It made him want to run. Run and never stop just to get away from the wave of emotions he was sure to feel if he stayed and attempted to help the boy. But something made him stay. An unfamiliar pull would not let him leave. It rooted him in his seat and forced his feet to move in the other boy's direction. Curiosity had been something that had pushed him to find out what the force was that seemed to be controlling his every move. 

The night that Gabriel had come crashing into his room telling him that his friend needed help, he had no idea he would no longer be able to look in from the outside. He agreed to help because he wasn't soulless and he couldn't let someone else suffer just because he was too scared of interaction. But when he found himself looking at Dean in the state he was in he couldn't help but feel guilty. Then the night he found out how bad the abuse was, the guilt almost killed him. He had wanted to run away from this boy who so obviously needed help just because he couldn't handle the feelings and emotions he would have to feel. He blamed himself for being so weak.

Then there was the night they had shared a room curled up together. Castiel had never liked someone being in the same bed as him when he slept. It always had felt like a threat to his false security. It was different laying with the other boy, though. If anything, Castiel had never felt so safe in his life. The feeling of Dean's soft breaths and the warmth the other boy seemed to radiate at all times soothed Castiel's sensitive nerves. He wanted to move closer to the source and again he felt that pull so without question he did what his body so obviously craved. He had a habit of ignoring what he wanted. Letting fear rule his life without question to keep himself safe. But with Dean, all the rules of the game changed. He found himself doing things he would never do. He found himself wanting to get better. Before it seemed pointless to attempt to do the impossible. 

The thing that had changed his mind was when he had noticed Dean push himself to get better. He had watched the boy struggle for weeks to do simple tasks such as sitting on the couch or going to the bathroom whenever he wanted. Castiel then realized that it was not an impossible task. He just had to want to get better and then push himself a little more every day. He wanted to get better, if not for himself, for his new makeshift family. He never thought that he would find the motivation to help himself in another boy. It had been deeply engraved in his head that falling for another man was a bad thing. Something that would send him to hell in a heartbeat. But how could something that made him feel so good, so happy, be terrible? He refused to believe that the God he believed in would send him to hell for loving someone. 

Castiel had spent many days and nights thinking over his feelings for the other boy. He felt drawn to him and he couldn't stop himself from wanting to be around him all the time. He wanted to see the other boy happy at all costs. He never wanted him to be in pain. The thought of what he had been through made Castiel forget about his past and filled him with a rage he didn't know he could feel. He wanted to kill his father for hurting him so deeply that it would always have a space in Dean's memory. Castiel wanted to erase all those bad memories and replace them with happy one's. He desperately needed the other boy to be okay because then it would mean that Castiel had done his job. Getting better meant he could take care of Dean. It meant that he could help him through whatever he needed.

That's when he decided he was going to help himself. Because he was so in love with Dean Winchester that the option of not getting better was no longer an option. He was going to get better and he was going to do it no matter how hard it seemed because now he had a reason to continue.

I wrote this in thirty minutes before I had to leave for school. If there are errors please point them out. Thank you for all the reads. It means more than I can say (1.3k reads!!!). I am honestly shocked that anyone is reading this and it makes me happy to know people are.

I published the first chapter of a new story. It is something I have been working on for a while now and I hope you all would go and check it out.