Please Don't Leave Me

Chapter 20

Dean POV

Drunk. That is what Dean was. He couldn't really tell you how he got to the point he is at, but he is there and now he isn't sure what to do about it. 

He is currently sitting on the couch and staring at the wall thinking about what has happened in the last few weeks. He had gone back to school a week ago. That had been a rough few days to start. Constantly scared that his father would show up or Alistair would be there. Surprisingly as it was though, none of that happened. It all went smoothly allowing him to get back into the flow of school rather easily. No one knew anything thanks to his family keeping everything quiet. Charlie had been more than ecstatic to see him in class. The two of them had had a few in-depth conversations since he had started attending his classes again. He is honestly so grateful to have the people he does in his life. 

Maybe that is why he has found himself where he is at the moment. At first, he told himself just one shot would help to calm his nerves. Then one shot became two and two became three and so on so forth. Now, he was relaxed, too relaxed. He could feel his walls falling allowing him to feel more than he had allowed himself to feel in the last few weeks. He wanted to get better, but he didn't want to worry his family. They all clearly worried about him so much already he didn't want to add more to the pile. If burying his feeling meant that he could somehow fake it until he was actually better, then that is what he would do. The plan had started off pretty simple, but as time past, he found that his plan was a lot harder to execute than he thought it was going to be. 

He could feel the pain he had been ignoring for the last few weeks creep in. It seemed to be more intense this time. Even the scarring on his back seemed to ache more than usual. The memories that flooded his head did nothing to ease the pain either. They simply enhanced everything making it more real that he had been hurt. Dean had been hurt so much that it didn't feel real. At times he felt like he could pretend none of it was real. That none of it had ever happened. But right now it seemed too real. The reality of it all was crashing down on him leaving him feeling bare. Thankfully, though, no one is home allowing him to feel something without having to stress about them crashing his pity party.

He felt like he deserved it. Felt like he deserved to throw his own pity party for once. He has always tried to be strong for those around him. Never wanted them to do more than they needed because then he would feel guilty and he already had enough guilt on his shoulders. He had always been blamed for the death of his mother. He didn't even know what he did. Never was he told the story of how she died. All he knew was he was in the house when it happened. That knowledge alone was enough to crush him as a child. Thinking he wasn't there for his mother when he should have been. His father constantly pounding it in his head that he was the one at fault made him absolutely sick. It didn't matter that he was only four at the time. He should have been able to help his mother. Then he couldn't make his father happy. When he realized that his father hitting him made his father happier, he allowed it. Always keeping his voice down because if his father was happy then he would keep a job to feed at least one of his kids. 

That's how life went on in the Winchester house until Dean was around the age of eleven. His father wasn't supposed to be home for another two hours so Dean had his friend come over. At the time he didn't know how homophobic his father was. He had never had a reason to speak to his father about it, or even speak to his father at all. So, when his father came home early to see Dean kissing another boy, Dean did not expect it all to change so much. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but the abrupt change in everything made his head spin. Up until then, he had been allowed to sleep in his room upstairs. Until then he was allowed to eat dinner with the family. Until then he had some control over his life. Again, Dean just accepted it because it kept his father somewhat happy to know that he didn't have to see his "diseased" son if he didn't want to.

The punishments got worse and worse and Dean just let it. He wanted his father to care for his brother so he let it happen. It never bothered him. At least that is the lie he told himself all the time. Even when his father had taken away the last of his innocence, he didn't fight too much in fear that his father would turn to his brother if he made him too mad. He remembers how scared he had been and how bad it had hurt. 

Tears running down his face pulled Dean from the void that was his mind. Reaching up he dabs his fingers at the tears. Pulling his hand away, he looks at his fingers examining the salty water that was now there. He wasn't one to cry much, but lately, it seems to be all he does. After that, he just sits there and lets himself feel everything. The tears don't stop, but he never makes a move to get rid of them or even stop them. He's glad he's alone for once in his life. He never enjoyed it in the past because he never had another choice. Now that it was though, he found that it was nice. To sit in the quiet for a bit and sort through the strange emotions he had denied himself of for all these years.

Sighing, he wipes the tears away. As much as he enjoys being alone, there is one person he wouldn't mind being with him. He knows he wouldn't break the silence. Just leave it as it is and sit beside Dean to keep him company because he knows the lonely feeling all too well. He wants Castiel. Wants him with him all the time. Wants him to take away the lingering loneliness that never seems to leave. He wants to do the same for the other boy too. He knows that Castiel has a bad past and he wants to know more, but knows better than to pry. So the least he can do is be there for Cas as well. 

Dean couldn't stop the smile that had formed on his face at the thought of the other male. He could see his piercing gaze and hear his deep voice. He could almost feel the other's touch. The night the two had shared a bed is one of Dean's favorite memories. The way it had felt to be so close to Castiel was something he never wanted to forget. He just wished that it would happen again because that safe feeling was something he wanted to feel forever. He had been so happy knowing the other was near and out of harm's way. Even if the other boy hadn't been in harm's way for a while, he knew the memories still haunted him. Dean wanted to help Castiel get rid of those memories and help him replace them with good ones. Ones he was preferably apart of.

That is when it hits Dean. He is in love with Castiel Novak and nothing could ever change that. That realization is enough for Dean to fall asleep happy with the blue-eyed male racing through his thoughts.

1.4k reads......I don't even know what to say! Thank you all so much for the support. Writing is something I love to do but I have never had someone to read what I write. The positive responses this is receiving means so much to me. Thank you!

I posted 4 chapters of my other book, In the Background. I really hope you all would go and check it out!

Should I start listing out the songs I listen to when writing?