Lost not Broken

Chapter 13

Pidge's POV

No one had been leaving me alone for the past month, and it was starting to get annoying. Once more I just wanted to be dead.

"Why couldn't I have died faster?! Why did stupid Storm have to show up and save me?! If Keith hadn't gone out for that walk, NONE OF THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED! I COULD BE PEACEFULLY DEAD!" I slit my leg, hopefully on an artery, with the knife I had snuck in from the kitchen. "PIDGE STOP!" Someone grabbed me from behind, fighting to take the knife. "Let me go!" I cried, eventually losing the fight. "What're you doing?!" I turned to see Lance looking at me in shock. "Trying to kill myself, what else would I be doing?!" I snapped, blinking away tears. "Why?" His voice was quiet. "Because I have no purpose here." I growled. "That's not tr-" "It is, Lance, and you know it. You just don't want to admit it." "Admit what?!" He threw his arms in the air. "THAT I HAVE NO PURPOSE! I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, NOBODY THAT I LOVE!" "What about Matt and your dad?!" "THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ME! THEY SEEM JUST FINE WITHOUT ME AT HOME, WHAT DIFFERENCE WILL IT MAKE IF I'M DEAD?!" "And Voltron?!" "THERE WAS A GREEN PALADIN BEFORE ME, THERE'LL BE ONE AFTER ME! THAT LEAVES NO ONE, LANCE." I screamed. "What about me?"

I stopped cold.

"What?"

"You said it yourself." He murmured.

"Said what?"

"That you love me."

"I never said anything even remotely CLOSE to that!" I retorted.

"You did."

"WHEN?!"

"When you got the call that your mom had died. Exactly one month and seven days ago." He replied. I started to shake. "I-I-" "Pidge, don't lie. I heard you, and thought that you must've been delirious. But I thought about it for a while, and realized that you were fully aware of what was going on, including what you said." My friend looked away. "I was going to ask you about it, but-" "You don't feel the same." I spat. "W-What? I-I didn't say-" "EXACTLY! IF YOU FELT THE SAME, YOU WOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING!" Before he could react, I grabbed the knife, holding it up to my neck. "You weren't even there when I was dying!" I croaked. "Pidge, I-"

"You were gone. You left me, long enough for me to kill myself by STAYING STILL!"

"Listen-"

"NO! YOU LISTEN! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! I DON'T WANT TO WATCH EVERYONE I LOVE DIE! VOLTRON WON'T BE IN RETIREMENT PERMANENTLY. WE'LL BE BACK OUT FIGHTING, AND YOU ALL WILL TRY TO PROTECT ME, DYING IN THE PROCESS!"

"PIDGE! DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF?!"

"OF COURSE I DO!"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF?!"

"Because. As I said, nobody love-"

"THAT'S JUST IT! YOU LITERALLY JUST GAVE ME A REASON THAT WASN'T TRUE."

"And what would that reason be?!" I drew the knife closer. "You literally just said 'You all will try to protect me.' But the thing is, only one of Voltron has ever attempted to do so when you were in danger." My friend's voice wavered. "You all-" "No, Pidge. Only I have."

I looked at him, not saying a word. "Do you remember when I got hit by that bomb that the Rover lookalike had placed?" "Y-Yea-" "I shot Sendak so you could get away. And that time when we were captured by Lotor's generals? I was the only one who got up and tried to fight them. Everyone else just sat there."

His words were starting to sink in.

"And I'm not sure if you've noticed, but, you're the only girl I've never flirted with. You know why? Because I respect you. No, scratch that, I'm terrified of you. You're the strongest, bravest, most determined girl I've ever met, from my life on earth, to our time in space, and the thought of hurting you scared me, because you'd throw me into space without a helmet the first second you got. I convinced myself I was in love with Allura because I was afraid you'd reject me. All you saw me as was 'the goofball', and that's what I started to believe, my fake feelings for Allura taking over. But, ever since we moved in to this house, those old feelings resurfaced, and have been ridiculously difficult to ignore. I had left you that week because I was trying to find something. When Keith called saying that you were dying, I raced back, but I wasn't quick enough. I thought that I'd live the rest of my life without you, all because I had gone looking for something that really didn't mean anything. I felt horrible. But Storm saved you, and since then, I've been trying to figure out how to tell you that..."

"That what?"

"That I love you. Pidge, I'm in love with you, and I couldn't make myself to stop loving you. And I don't want to either." He smiled, a more genuine smile than anything I had seen before.

Shaking, I dropped the knife. "I-" My words stuck to my throat. Letting out a wail, I ran to my friend, hugging him tightly. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I sobbed. "I'm sorry too." He hugged me back. "I love you Lance."

"I love you too Pidge."