Tip Rats

Part 9 - Batman

As the three approached the end of the street they needed only to round the corner to the main road to reach the bottom pub. There was still a single can of beer remaining in the bag, Ned opened it up and in turn they each took a slug to finish it off. As they stood on the corner waiting for Chris to squeeze the last few drops out, a maxi-taxi pulled up a few metres ahead of them. Filing out of the taxi and into the pub was a troop of girls dressed as sexy Harry Potter's, with the exception of one, who was dressed as sexy Batman.

Ned's eyes followed them across the footpath, perplexed, 'my brain is having a hard time making sense of those costumes'.

Andy slapped Ned on the back, 'don't give it too much thought mate, just be glad it's a thing'.

Chris threw the empty can under the taxi's kerbside back wheel and the three boys followed the Harry's and Batman inside. There was a sign on the door alerting any would be customers that the bar was closed for a private function. Inside, the walls were emblazoned with balloons, streamers and banners' announcing Shelley's Twenty-First. Amongst the disposable decorations were photographs of Shelley at various stages of development, meant to be both endearing and embarrassing for the birthday girl.

'Fuck yeah!' Chris hissed, taking in his surrounds.

'Jesus Chris, you're the most modestly dressed woman here' Andy remarked, noting the abundant flesh on display.

'Go and grab us some drinks fellas, I'm gonna go and find Shelley. There's a tab, so you won't have to pay.' Chris wandered off into the crowd leaving a wake of pointing fingers and unflattering comments.

Andy leant against the bar and scanned the scene, 'all these birds must have gone to boarding school with Shelley, they sure as shit didn't go to our school.'

'No, they did not' replied Ned, his eyes darting around the room. 'It's amazing what characters these girls are able to tart up; that slutty Batman is just confusing.'

'Tidy rig though.'

Ned nodded in agreement 'yep'.

As more guests arrived and moved in and out of the bar area, Ned and Andy discussed the various costumes and spotted the familiar faces. Ned's younger sister Krystal arrived in an unflattering and unimaginative military themed ensemble accompanied by a bloke who wasn't in costume but managed to resemble a potato nonetheless. Ned was fairly sure his sister must have come across this champion at the Thursday night Newman's car park gathering**.

** The 'Thursday Night Newman's carpark park-up' is where the local car enthusiasts meet weekly to stare at each other's compensatory vehicles and rev their engines menacingly. A similar engagement takes place on Sunday afternoons along the foreshore road. The participants often bring a picnic blanket and sit by the roadside watching the cars drive past and pretending not to notice how much carbon monoxide they're inhaling. The men who frequent these events require their females to have big hair and big enough sunglasses to divert attention from their more obvious flaws. Since they display their females mostly from the passenger seat of their cars, the male car enthusiast aren't too fussed about the size and shape of their lady's, it was just the passenger seat portrait that mattered. Krystal fit these criteria perfectly and was therefore rather popular with the car crowd.

Chris came bustling through the crowd towards Ned and Andy 'Where's my drink dickheads? I've been waiting out there for ages'.

'We've been waiting for you, you didn't tell us to go searching' Ned snapped back, 'there's your drink', pointing to a sullen looking beer sitting on the bar. Chris picked up the glass and the three stood in a line with their back to the bar, silently observing.

A voice blasted from the P.A. system in the function room announcing that the night's entertainment was to begin, a three-piece band called 'The Handsome Brothers & Friend' would be providing the entertainment, followed up by a DJ who would play until closing. The boys ordered two beers each and carried them in to the function room to check out the sights.

The band played enthusiastically, if not entirely competently, and managed to keep the crowd fairly well entertained. Ned found himself in an increasingly one-way conversation with one of Chris's aunties for an uncomfortably long time. She was already quite drunk and described in intimate detail how she'd met her husband in this very pub 24 years earlier and how they'd spent some personal time under a piano which once stood where the DJ's rostrum was now located. Chris's aunt assured Ned she was quite a sort back then and that all the blokes around Bundy wanted to fuck her, a lot of them still did. Admittedly, Ned did think that she didn't look too bad for her age despite drinking several litres of Pinot Grigio a week and sunbathing in coconut oil for twenty years. Every so often her left boob, which was wobbling about in her top like half-set jelly, would press against Ned's arm. He pretended not to notice and hoped that she wasn't doing it deliberately. Over her shoulder, Ned could see Andy chatting intently with Sexy Batman, he'd already demolished his two beers and looked to be heading to the bar with Sexy Batman to load up with some more. Before the awkwardness reached crisis point, Ned was reprieved from his torment when a stray elbow knocked the fuller of the two beers from his grasp and sent it crashing to the floor. Ned excused himself in order to remedy the mess and legged it to the bar area.

'You looked like you were having a good time in there chatting up Aunty Tracey'. Chris was leaning against the wall next to the door that linked the bar and function areas.

'She's a menace mate. You better keep your eye on her, she's pretty pissed.'

Chris gave Ned a sly wink, 'you would'.

Ned was taken aback, 'your auntie? I would, maybe, but I won't, and you should definitely not want me to'.

'I'm not saying I would, but you can, I don't care. Anyway, how about Andy over here' Chris pointed to the corner of the bar where Andy and Sexy Batman had been joined by one of the Sexy Harry Potter's, 'A couple more beers and we might be joined by Carlos'**.

'Yeah', Ned grinned 'it's been a while since old Carlos was let loose'.

**Carlos lives inside Andy. Dormant deep inside, he emerges when Andy's blood alcohol reaches a certain saturation, at which point he is unleashed to terrorise all and sundry. Carlos has caused a lot of trouble over the years, getting locked up on several occasions and being banned from numerous late night venues. This has been to Andy's detriment as very few people can tell the difference between he and Carlos.

'We better smash down some drinks before the tab runs out' said Chris, grabbing Ned by the arm and pulling him toward the bar. Chris enquired with the bar staff as to how much of the tab remained. His head snapped around 'there's only eighty dollars left mate, we're gonna have to load up'. Chris proceeded to order ten schooners of beer and four shots of tequila, he thrust two shot glasses at Ned, 'let's do this shit!'

'Fuck mate, this is going to get sloppy'. Ned downed the shots and then followed Chris's lead, sucking back the schooners at a hefty pace.

By the time the final schooner was drained, Ned was struggling to go fifteen minutes without having to piss. He left Chris propping up the bar as he hastily made his way to the gents just as the band was packing up. As he stood gently swaying at the urinal, Ned could feel the froth of his last mouthful bubbling away in the back of his throat, undecided as to which way to flow. In the nearby cubicle, Ned could hear vomit splashing into the toilet and slapping against the tiles. Emerging from the toilets, he could already feel his bladder brewing up the next trough load as he focused on keeping the drinks down. Ned knew he was drunk, but he wasn't sure how drunk. He checked and memorized the time, 11.49pm, and made a mental note of the song that the DJ was playing. Ned decided he would retain this moment to see if he could remember it in the morning. The results of this experiment would be a gauge for future benders he thought, maybe he would discover the blackout point, where memory ends and blackness begins. Genius.