'Don't stick your dicks in anything dirty!' was Andy's dad's parting advice as he pulled away from the drop-off bay at Brisbane International Airport.
The three amigo's crawled through the check in one slow step at a time, weaving their way around the partitions at a putrefying pace before disappearing beyond the liquid confiscating barriers. After being deemed fit to travel and being appalled by the price of snacks, the boys killed the pre-flight tedium with a couple of extortionately priced beers in the artificially darkened airport pub.
Chris had requested the aisle seat for the flight due to him allegedly possessing a smaller than usual bladder. Upon hearing this Andy immediately claimed the window seat, he assured Ned and Chris it was because he liked watching out the window, but Ned knew better. 15 hours cheek to jowl with Chris would be an unpleasant experience. Chris wasn't the most considerate person and he became intolerably annoying when exposed to for an extended and unbroken period. This proved to be true after only a few short minutes. Almost immediately after settling into the seats aboard the 767 Chris began fiddling with every possible latch, switch and toggle, adjusting anything adjustable and taking up as much space as possible. Ned and Andy very quickly hooked into the headrest entertainment and Andy was able to watch uninterrupted save for the occasional visit by flight staff offering mini treats. Ned's viewing was interrupted by regular elbow nudges from Chris wanting to share his unsolicited witty observations.
'That stewardess with the brown hair is definitely keen on me, she keeps smiling at me'.
'She's smiling at everyone, they all are, that's what they do', Ned assured Chris.
'Nah, she's giving me the eye mate, I'm sure of it. Might be a chance for the mile-high club here'.
'Your best chance of that is if you go into the toilet and crack one off, but I don't think that counts'.
If Andy had genuinely intended on doing some out window gazing he must have been rather disappointed to find that his window was mostly obscured by the seat in front of his, and in any case, all he had a view of was the 'do not walk past this line' sign painted on top of the wing.
Chris hadn't been lying about his walnut sized bladder, his need to relieve himself was alarming. By the time the in-flight journey tracker had the plane located somewhere above Fiji, Chris had already made five trips to the toilet. Andy had managed to fall asleep and didn't stir until breakfast was served a few hours before they were due to land.
*
'Have things started to chill out a bit at home yet?' Ned asked Chris as he re-seated himself after his eighth visit to the lavatory.
Chris squirmed in his seat, trying to find an un sat-upon piece of buttock. 'It's just dad who's pissed really, I don't even reckon he gives a shit about my situation that much, he's just worried that I've made him look bad'.
'He's bound to get over it eventually. Are you pissed off about it?'
'Not really, I didn't really ever wanted to be a cop, it was just put on me since I was little, family trade and all that bullshit. It was my old man's idea, not mine'.
Ned nodded.
'I would have liked to have left in a bit more dignified manner though' Chris added with a smile.
Andy was struggling to keep his eyes open to Ned's left.
'What the fuck is up with you mate?'
'I took a bunch of Valium, it's knocked me about. I don't think I'm gonna eat this'. Andy slid the aluminium tray to the back of his flight table and slipped back into his comatose state.
Ned helped himself to Andy's breakfast and tried to get a glance out the window at the early morning light. He reattached himself to the in-flight entertainment and tried to maintain the circulation in his arse with rhythmic clenches.
The brown haired hostess came by to collect their discards and gave them a beaming smile. Chris gave Ned yet another nudge, just to make sure he saw it. Ned shook his head dismissively and continued with his viewing. The remainder of the flight was reasonably pleasant, Ned was able to find a movie that took up the remainder of the flight and Chris kept to himself, similarly occupied.
At what the pilot assured the passengers was 11.00am L.A time the entertainment came to an abrupt halt and the flight staff did the rounds, asking the passengers to put their seats into the upright position and stow away their trays. Chris took the opportunity to put the hard word on the brunette stewardess. Ned saw Chris's lips move but missed out on the words with the headphones still wedged in his ears but the speed that the smile vanished from the stewardess's face, replaced by a stifled gurn of disgust, suggested nothing appropriate was said.
As they filed off the plane after landing, Chris avoided eye contact with the stewardess whose mouth was smiling as he filed past but whose eyes were sending invisible bolts of hatred.
'What did you say to her mate? She wants to kill you'.
'I only asked her if she'd help me undo my seatbelt'.
'Oh', Ned replied with a laugh, 'I'd have thought she'd heard worse than that'.
Chris nodded, 'yeah, but I was rocking a semi'.
Ned shook his head, 'You're a terrible person Chris'.
YOU ARE READING
Tip Rats
General FictionNed wants to make something of his life, he's just not sure what that something is. He's watched his father rot in front of the television for as long as he can remember and he's afraid he'll end up doing the same. That's what the little town of Bun...
