My Divergent Life (Completely Fan-Fiction) Wattys2015

Chapter 11: Not a Leader

        "So, are you free today?" I ask Lamar when we get back to his room.

        "I have a few things I need to do." He says. "Just rankings, then I have to figure out all of the Dauntless-born initiates' names."

        "Okay." I wrap my arms around him, I feel like I haven't had a 'dumb moment' in forever, I don't know why I care about my 'dumb moments'. I guess I just need a few moments of stupidity in my life. Lamar wraps his arms around me, he presses my closer to him, the muscles in his arms pressing into my back. I don't care about what Anthony and Alice could be planning. I feel safe with Lamar, I feel like he'll protect me no-matter what happens and maybe that's how he feels, maybe he feels like he'll protect me no-matter what.

        "Where am I ranked?" I say, my voice is low and soft, I never knew I could feel so powerful, like I could do anything. Anything but control my questions when I'm around him. I try to ignore the thought, though, it's true, I can't control what I do when I'm around Lamar, I don't know what it is about him.

        "I don't know yet." He says, I think he's trying to avoid my question. "Top three, definitely."

        "I can't be ranked that high." I pull away just enough so I can look at him, I look into his light brown eyes. I still don't understand why he likes me, I don't deserve someone like him.

        "Yes you do, everyone else is doing terrible, they can't shoot straight, they can't throw straight, they can't punch hard at all. You're the only one that deserves to be ranked by how good you're doing." He says, he's right, no-one else has won any fight from skill, the fights have been ended by time wasting. Zach said who won based off of who was in better condition. "The hard part of this ranking is trying to figure out who goes, they're all so terrible, and I have to decide who's the worst out of them."

        "I guess you're right, they are horrible." I say.

        Lamar touches his fore-head to mine. "Stop saying you're so bad at things or look bad or that I deserve better than you." He says. "I won't listen to you if all you're going to say has to do with what you're not good at. You're the best initiate here, you haven't lost a fight, you haven't let your guard down." His voice softens. "I know you'll do great in stage two and three, just hide what you are."

        "How do you know what I am?" I know how he knows, it's obvious, his fear-landscape.

        "I heard you when we entered my fear-landscape, don't you remember how I had replied?"

        "Yes." I say. How much does he know about me?

        "Just don't create things out of thin air or show that you're aware."

        "Okay, how did I show that I was aware?"

        "You knew that jumping wouldn't kill you. You need to react to the simulation just as you would in life. Nothing just appears out of thin air, jumping off a several story building and surviving doesn't happen."

        "Okay, so act like I would in life, got it. Does it matter how fast I go?"

        "It depends on what job you want and what the fear is." He takes his fore-head from mine and looks into my eyes, I look into his. I realize how fast I'm breathing, I try to calm down. "You okay?"

        I nod. "Yeah, just realized I'm breathing fast." I notice that I still can't control how much I say to him.

        "What's wrong?"

        "I don't know, I'm not used to this. No-one saw me this way when I was Candor."

        "Yeah, no-one looked at me like this either, I ways different then."

        "Me too." I don't know why I said that, I don't feel much different, I just feel more powerful. Then, I realize that I feel loved more, by my parents. I remember, one day, hearing them talk about my siblings after they left, they said that they had felt a sudden wave of love and the start of their absence. I shake my head to clear the thought.

        "Why do you say that?"

        "I just remembered something my parents were talking about after my siblings left." My head lowers, Lamar presses me to him, I lay my head on his shoulder. I feel tears swelling behind my eyes, talking about my siblings has been more emotional than thinking about them since they left. I try to blink the tears away. "They said they had suddenly felt more love for them, I think they wanted me to stay." I pull away, I wipe the tears from my face.

        Lamar's fingers slide my hair behind my ear. I look at him through the blur of my tears. He pulls me back into the hug. "You shouldn't think about what they want, you should think for yourself. I'm sure they're fine."

        I set my hands on his waist, I can be incredibly stupid during my 'dumb moments', I think about moving my hands, but I can't, I'm not sure if I even want to anymore. I press myself closer to him, I feel his breathes on my neck, just as fast as my own. I tilt my head up and look at him, he smiles and kisses me. I kiss him back.

        We kiss for a few minutes, then I hear foot-steps. Lamar pulls away. "Hide," He whispers. I nod and slip under the bed, Lamar fixes the comp-fitter so it hangs over his bed and hides me. I hear more foot-steps, my heart is pounding. I slow my breathing and try to be as quiet as possible.

        I hear a knock on the door. "Storm, can I come in?" I don't recognize the voice.

        "Yes, come in." Lamar says. I hear the door open and click closed. "What do you want, Steve?"

        "I just wanted to see how the rankings are going."

        "They're going fine." Lamar pauses. "I don't think that's all you want."

        "You're right, I still want you to be a Dauntless leader. Have you changed your mind yet?"

        "No, I still don't want that position. I told you I won't change my mind, I don't want the position, I haven't for two years, I thought you would get the message by now."

        "Well, if you change your mind-"

        "I won't."

        "Fine, fine, I'll leave you alone for a while. Have a good day." I hear the door open and close again.

        After a few minutes I hear Lamar say, "he's gone, Stella, you can come out."

        I crawl out from under his bed. "Who is he?"

        "A Dauntless leader, he'll be retiring soon and wants me to replace him."

        "Why don't you want to?" I know the Candor in me is showing, I'm not sure either of us care anymore though.

        "I don't feel like I belong here, and it would remind me of my childhood."

        I nod, his father was a faction leader before the tornado came, it must have been terrible for him trying to survive the years.

        I notice that he looks sad, like his childhood is returning as we speak. "What's wrong?"

        He shakes his head. "Nothing, I'm fine." He says. "You should get to bed. I'm sure people will bug you with congratulations or complaints."

        I nod. "Okay." I climb into his bed. I watch him write things down until I fall asleep. A possibly long day is ahead of me, but I will do everything I can to make it go as I had planned earlier. I will not be kidnapped or killed. I will have a good day and spend it with Lamar. This plan could take some work, but I'll do what I can to ignore the worst parts of today. If I can't, I'll make the best of tomorrow.