The Winter Project

11. Stephanie

She was crying so loudly that she didn't even register the fact that they were nearly back in Birmingham. They had been on the motorway for hours, Stephanie's belongings piled into the back of her mother's car whilst her heart was still firmly clenched in Minoru's hands. She couldn't believe that she had been right all along, and the truth was so painful that she could feel a physical pain in her chest, something she imagined felt similar to being stabbed. She kept trying to convince herself that she had gotten it wrong, but his confession the night before had given her abrupt closure that had left her in shock, but she could not be in denial.

She had known for weeks that Minoru wanted to go on a trip. She had seen it on his computer, even heard about it after bumping into one of his close friends on the street who casually mentioned that Minoru was thinking about going to Japan to visit his family. She had waited excitedly for him to mention it, to invite her along. Although she did not have any desire to travel, Stephanie thought that being invited to meet his extended family meant that he saw Stephanie in his future. After two weeks of secretly looking at his internet search history and watching his itinerary formulate step by step, it dawned on Stephanie that Minoru not only didn't want to invite her, but he didn't want to tell her about it. At first she figured it was just a trip to see his family, and he wouldn't be able to afford to pay for her as well. Then, she started seeing him plan more trips, more extended stays in countries far away from their perfect little life that she had worked so hard to build. He had researched how to take a sabbatical from his workplace, how much money you would need to travel for a year, how to get working holiday visas.

She knew he was going to leave her even before he did.

Minoru had proposed to Stephanie within a year of them being together. Every time she talked about weddings, he said he had no plans for them to get married for years. She realised not long after accepting the ring that it was only a gesture and not a genuine proposal. She stopped wearing the engagement ring after a year of being given it, and Minoru had never noticed, not even once. He introduced her to people as his girlfriend, not his fiancé, and Stephanie had stopped correcting him after some time for it embarrassed her to see their faces as she gently reminded him that he had promised to be her husband.

She knew their relationship wasn't perfect, but she had tried to make it perfect because they loved each other.

Because she thought that they loved each other.

After Minoru had told her he didn't love her anymore, she had waited until she knew for sure that he was asleep and then instantly called her mother who agreed to pick her up first thing in the morning. Stephanie's mother knew how much Stephanie loved Minoru, and she too had been part of the extensive daydream that was their future. While she waited for her mother to make the long drive to her, Stephanie packed everything that she owned from the flat, including the television and video game console. She had used them just as much as Minoru, and as far as she was concerned it was a small price to pay for breaking her heart. She felt that he owed her at least that.

She was unsure now what she was going to do. Her life had been built around Minoru and their future. Every single day she would obsess about the house, the babies, the wedding. Now it was nothing but an empty void and she didn't want it to be filled.

She wanted it all to end.

When they arrived back at her parent's home, she felt sick to her stomach. She used to come and visit on occasional weekends and feel smug about her new life; in the capital city away from all of her embarrassing childhood and teenage memories. Her independence away from her parents was exhilarating and now she was back in her childhood bedroom, the purple butterfly wallpaper making her feel like a child again.A child who had never left and had simply spent years living in a pointless daydream.

She stayed in her bedroom for days, curled up under the duvet and praying that the intense pain she felt would subside as soon as possible. She prayed that Minoru would call her and ask for her back. She imagined him turning up at her parents' door, bouquet of flowers in hand and an apology that would reignite her faith that he did in fact love her after all.

The fantasy was so vivid she could picture it even better than the fantasy she had built up of them living together in a three-bedroomed semi-detached house in the countryside.

After four solid days of barely eating and taking care of herself, she finally took a shower. She could hear her mother talking with positivity from downstairs about how she must be feeling better now that she was finally out of bed and willing to take care of herself, and it pained her to know that her mother was wrong.

She spent thirty-five minutes in the shower delicately slicing at her thighs with a disposable razorblade, and only once she had finished she was able to feel temporarily relieved of her misery.